Wednesday, April 25, 2007
End of the Day
Well, the end of the day is finally here.
It has been a long couple of days. Johnny, went to his Aunts funeral alone. I wasn't sure about the whole idea at first, but given the last two days it was the right decision.
I really don't know what to make of my mother in law. I tried for years to fit into her life. I finally gave up and realized that I was never going to bend enough to do that. I see her now as a very lonely woman, who can't seem to get past my "stealing" her baby away from her.
It's sad really. It has been six years since she has seen her grandchildren, or her son. The boys are so beautiful and so full of life. They would embrace her, love her unconditionally, if she would let them in. The boys desire family, and love to be around those they love. If we could just get her to realize what she is missing. It is just so sad. Especially when one family member dies and you realize how precious life is.
Johnny did see her last night and his brother. He said he didn't know what to make of it at all. My mother in law didn't even recognize her own son, and then once she did acted as if nothing had ever happened between them. I wish I could make the hurt go away for him. I know it must be terrible to be estranged from your mother like he is. I wish it was different. I am not sure what we should do now. I guess now we wait and see what happens.
Last night when he came home I just watched him for a while. He is such a good man, loving man, strong man. She raised a good man, and I am ever thankful to her for that. I just wish she could see how wonderful he is. See her son as a father and a husband. I know deep down it would make her proud. He could really use to know he had a mother right now too.
My cancer has really been hard on Johnny. He doesn't sleep much these days, he has put on weight and now his blood pressure is up. Being sick effects everyone, not just me. I am far from it's only victim if you really want to use that word in this fight. The poor boys live in fear that I am going to die. It has been really hard on them watching this "thing" play out day by day. They have been in therapy since December and Joshua is on meds to help him focus. He just completely lost that ability when I got sick and started failing school. It seems all my family has suffered from my cancer. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare, you know? But some nightmares you just keep living day to day to day.
Being a mom and trying to keep up with baseball, and basketball schedules, school projects, etc., sometimes feels overwhelming. I try to keep up without complaining, but there are just some weeks that I can't keep up no matter how hard I try. This has been one of those weeks for me. Yesterday I was under a deadline I didn't know I had. Joshua has a presidential project do next week. He is presenting and portraying Thomas Jefferson for his fourth grade project. So after seeing my doctor yesterday, I went from store to store trying to put his costume together because it was suddenly due and Johnny was not going to be home due to family gatherings. This is normally the kind of project I love to do. I love being a Mom and planing, helping and participating in every part of their school projects. This one is no different. Joshua as Thomas Jefferson is a site to behold, which by the way is absolutely cute. He looks adorable in his costume and it was well worth the time up on my feet. But I was up on my feet from 11:30 AM to 9:30 PM and I was spent by the time I came home.
I realized when I came home and changed that a stitch had popped. It was oozing and didn't look good at all. By this morning I was not feeling good at all. I am seeing the doctor in the morning. I am scheduled for an ultrasound to see what is happening. I am sure it is simple, but I had a rough day with cramping and I started with a low grade fever. That in turn scared Joshua and Micah. They were right by my side, bless their hearts, holding my hand and trying to bring me something for pain. (Micah brought me his singular, lol)
I am feeling a bit better now. The boys have gone over to my parents house for the night so that I can sleep in in the morning. Anyway, I am rambling on now. I just needed to share my thoughts.
I also really want to thank each of you for listening, reading and encouraging me. It means so much to know I can share and not feel weak, condemned or selfish for having a woe as me moment.