About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

End of the Day

Well, the end of the day is finally here.

It has been a long couple of days. Johnny, went to his Aunts funeral alone. I wasn't sure about the whole idea at first, but given the last two days it was the right decision.
I really don't know what to make of my mother in law. I tried for years to fit into her life. I finally gave up and realized that I was never going to bend enough to do that. I see her now as a very lonely woman, who can't seem to get past my "stealing" her baby away from her.

It's sad really. It has been six years since she has seen her grandchildren, or her son. The boys are so beautiful and so full of life. They would embrace her, love her unconditionally, if she would let them in. The boys desire family, and love to be around those they love. If we could just get her to realize what she is missing. It is just so sad. Especially when one family member dies and you realize how precious life is.

Johnny did see her last night and his brother. He said he didn't know what to make of it at all. My mother in law didn't even recognize her own son, and then once she did acted as if nothing had ever happened between them. I wish I could make the hurt go away for him. I know it must be terrible to be estranged from your mother like he is. I wish it was different. I am not sure what we should do now. I guess now we wait and see what happens.

Last night when he came home I just watched him for a while. He is such a good man, loving man, strong man. She raised a good man, and I am ever thankful to her for that. I just wish she could see how wonderful he is. See her son as a father and a husband. I know deep down it would make her proud. He could really use to know he had a mother right now too.

My cancer has really been hard on Johnny. He doesn't sleep much these days, he has put on weight and now his blood pressure is up. Being sick effects everyone, not just me. I am far from it's only victim if you really want to use that word in this fight. The poor boys live in fear that I am going to die. It has been really hard on them watching this "thing" play out day by day. They have been in therapy since December and Joshua is on meds to help him focus. He just completely lost that ability when I got sick and started failing school. It seems all my family has suffered from my cancer. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare, you know? But some nightmares you just keep living day to day to day.

Being a mom and trying to keep up with baseball, and basketball schedules, school projects, etc., sometimes feels overwhelming. I try to keep up without complaining, but there are just some weeks that I can't keep up no matter how hard I try. This has been one of those weeks for me. Yesterday I was under a deadline I didn't know I had. Joshua has a presidential project do next week. He is presenting and portraying Thomas Jefferson for his fourth grade project. So after seeing my doctor yesterday, I went from store to store trying to put his costume together because it was suddenly due and Johnny was not going to be home due to family gatherings. This is normally the kind of project I love to do. I love being a Mom and planing, helping and participating in every part of their school projects. This one is no different. Joshua as Thomas Jefferson is a site to behold, which by the way is absolutely cute. He looks adorable in his costume and it was well worth the time up on my feet. But I was up on my feet from 11:30 AM to 9:30 PM and I was spent by the time I came home.

I realized when I came home and changed that a stitch had popped. It was oozing and didn't look good at all. By this morning I was not feeling good at all. I am seeing the doctor in the morning. I am scheduled for an ultrasound to see what is happening. I am sure it is simple, but I had a rough day with cramping and I started with a low grade fever. That in turn scared Joshua and Micah. They were right by my side, bless their hearts, holding my hand and trying to bring me something for pain. (Micah brought me his singular, lol)

I am feeling a bit better now. The boys have gone over to my parents house for the night so that I can sleep in in the morning. Anyway, I am rambling on now. I just needed to share my thoughts.

I also really want to thank each of you for listening, reading and encouraging me. It means so much to know I can share and not feel weak, condemned or selfish for having a woe as me moment.



  1. Just you lean on all of us who visit with you.  You are doing so well not to crumble and give in to the feeling sorry for yourself gremlin.  But you know?   Sometimes we need to love and hug ourselves when we are trying to be 'normal' in abnormal circumstances.  You deserve a medal dear girl!  You are pushing yourself further than most people who are well would, let alone someone who is ill. Could you sit back and maybe delegate a little bit of your hold on normal family life and have some 'me' time for yourself?  You could think of it as saving up some energy in your 'Energy Bank' for those important moments.   Just a thought...
    You cannot change your mother-in-law's attitude so please don't let that fact hammer away at your sensitivities and wishes for a perfect life.  You have never closed the door on her so she must recognise for herself what she is missing.
    I wish you health, peace, contentment and happiness with your family.  You deserve no less.  God Bless.   Jeanie

  2. We are always, always here for you.  I wish that I lived closer to you (where exactly do you live??) so that I could help you with some of those "motherly tasks" that we always seem to have.  I am sure this is all really hard on you...and on your whole family.  We have the same sort of MIL problems here too.  It is so sad that you are sick and your husband and your kids are struggling and your MIL can't put her "stuff" aside and spend time with all of you.  

    I'm always here for you....whenever you need a good vent.  And if you are anywhere near the Southern NJ area....I will be there!!!!


  3. We can not change someone feelings towards us, the only thing we can control is how we let that fact effect us...maybe her reaction of as of nothing ever happened was her way of saying lets put this all behind us without anyone having to admit they were wrong. My cancer brought my MIL to terms with the fact that she really did love me and appreciate me.....so maybe that means she will stop trying to introduce my DH to other women now huh??? lmaooooo Sad but true and oh so funny! lol lol lol


  4. I can relate with your feelings, after my husbands accident his family had nothing to do with our children, now my children are adults and talk to me about there aunt, for they are her only neice and nephew, and It makes me sad that they really missed being part of the family, hugs Deanna

  5. I have come to realize when those we love are affected by our illness (handicap) it's because they truly love us. Our love for them doesn't want them to suffer as we do, but their love for us won't allow them not to feel it. It's a conumdrum that's for sure. When I went deaf I wanted to be alone, to suffer alone and didn't want anyone in my life. It never works that way truly does it? My deafness affected Doc and I we could no longer have the quiet talks in the dark at night, we couldn't even have long conversations without it being apparent how hard it was to get through it.
    His world grew larger (He's a musician) Mine grew smaller. I guess what I'm trying to say is in the end love hurts, but it also sustains us when we need it the most.

    As for your MIL.......She chose her path. Yours lies before you, enjoy your wonderful boys and husband. Your husband made his choice as well, true it's hard not to have the support of family. But he chose you and your sons. There is a deep love in that choice alone. The boys are not lacking not having someone around who would in the end judge them as their father was judged. Your boys have a solid loving family in you and your husband. Keep your chin up kiddo, the world is your playground and life is yours as long as you breathe. (Hugs) Indigo

  6. On another note.....If you don't mind me asking where do you hail from. I'm from upstate NY myself. (Hugs) Indy

  7. I hope and pray that your MIL will come around to see her son and grandchildren and realize how much she has missed out on...and see how much of a great person her DIL is... You really are Christine...don't ever change for anyone!


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