Saturday, April 7, 2007
Yesterday I was really upset at some things going on around me. I had been hurt by words and by attitudes and basically people just being human. I was letting hurt creep in and lay claim to my heart. We all do that, it's natural. But then I woke up and looked at my boys. I saw them lying there, sleeping peacefully and realized how blessed I am. How much I do have to be grateful for, to appreciate and to hold close to my heart. I realized that I need not let that hurt take root and question all that I do have in my life that is good. So I took a deep breath and let it out very slowly, and then just sat there watching them sleep. In a few minutes all the hurt just seemed to dissolve away and the peace that I know, that I have, deep in my heart, in my soul, returned with ease and blessed my spirit again.
This fight, as many of you have walked it yourselves, are walking it or have walked it with others before me, know it is not easy. It tears at you, tries to burden you with fear and pain. It cuts deep at what you thought as your immortality and ultimately cancer robes you of the security that once held your world together. Yet, it offers so much on so many levels, that in the end you come through a better person for the miles trod. You see life so differently and you respond to life in ways you never thought you could or would. I am learning this as I go, as my family goes along beside me, and as ya'll go through this with me.
I have been blessed in so many ways, by so many friendships and by family who are always there. Never faulty, never out to lunch so to speak. I am blessed by those who come to my aid with strength and love and encouragement. For all of those who have been there for me, Johnny, the boys and my parents, I cannot thank enough. You listen when I am tired emotionally, physically and at times just say nothing at all, except that you love me. There is such strength and hope in those moments, such comfort on such a deep level. I am forever in your debt.
At this point my body is tired, it is beat. Basically I am tired of being sick and tired! I am tired, and yes, I am spent, yes. But I am finding renewed strength and hope. There is always hope. Doubt yes, there is always doubt and fear. But that does not take away hope and faith. I am determined to finish this fight! Even when my body has had enough and I am at my weakest I am still fighting. I can do that because of you my family and friends that are there to lift me up, to help steady me and help me stay on this path without feeling as if I am walking it alone.
I am not walking alone! I know without a doubt that YOU, my family and friends, are with me just as Aaron and Hur (Exodus 17:12) were with Moses. Lifting up his arms up during the battle to ensure they won the fight they were fighting. YOU do the same for me! And I love you for it. I am blessed by you and I do not take any of your encouragement, love and or friendships for granted. I treasure each and every one of you and all you offer to my life.
I recently read a quote that touched my heart. It made me really think about life and all that comes with it. This is what it said:
"This story is about faith, for it is only in faith that you can believe in something you cannot see. And it is about love, for in love, and only love, will you ever know the joy of selflessness. And it is about family, for without them you know nothing about being accepted just as you are. And it is about eternity, for without it, yesterday is forgotten, today is taken and tomorrow never comes. Learn to love who you are, accept what you cannot change and trust in truths you cannot see."
This is the lesson that I am being taught right now as I go through this nasty little thing called cancer. And though I hate cancer and all the "Yuck" it has brought, I am grateful for this lesson. I am in awe of those that surround my life with so much love, light, joy, laughter, strength and HOPE! For those that still see me as me and can see past the loss of hair, lack of a breast, etc., and see me. Really see me, the person I still am. Thank you for having faith to believe in me, for loving me without ceasing, and for accepting me just as I am right now.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1