About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Monday, April 23, 2007

One of Those Days

Today has just been one of those days.

My husbands Aunt died yesterday of Ovarian Cancer. I do not know how he feels, as he is the strong, quiet type. I asked to go to the funeral with him and he said he wanted to go alone. I am not sure what to think or how to feel about that. There is so much duress in the family, and having married a woman outside of the reservation, has not helped Johnny's standings with his mother or brother. Actually he has not spoken to her in over 6 years since she asked him to choose his wife and kids or herself. (I know, illogical doesn't even begin to cover that one) He says he does not want a confrontation, and I understand that. (Though, I am in no shape to even entertain a confrontation.) Then there is the fact that she has no idea I have been sick. I just worry about him being alone with her and how his Aunt's death will affect him.

Sadly, this week so far has given me much reason to reflect on life's priorities and our ultimate appointment with death. I have thought about my own immortality, both the boys gerbils died (not a good thing when they are already so scared of death), Johnny's Aunt died and then I received the call I was praying so hard against. A dear friend lost their Aunt to cancer.

She fought so hard and lived life so fully, and yet in the end though her spirit was not overtaken, her body was overcome. Watching my friends go through this has been so hard. I have felt this struggle in the depths of my being and I feel as if a part of me lost the fight too. I have spent the last two days taking inventory in my own life.
I may not understand all the whys nor see the whole picture, but I do know that I have not been brought this far to lose site of the saving grace that guides my life. As a child I was very sickly and as I grew I was plagued with difficulties. At seven years old I was angry with God and questioned why He was allowing so much illness to wreck my body. I made peace with God then, as I have done now. If I had not trod that road as child, I would never have had the strength to walk this journey through this blasted cancer. I have made peace with the fear of death, on most days. Making peace with it has enabled me to live life with hope. I live knowing that I live each day on an extended lease and I am always grateful for each day I am given.
I live each day knowing I am living it on borrowed time, such sweet borrowed time. Each day I rise I have another day to hug my boys, and another day to simply watch my husband sleep. It is those everyday things that make me smile. Being able to sit down to a meal together, to work out in the yard or even spend an extra few dollars on an absurd souvenir is meaningful. They are all memories, part of the weaving of my life, a tapestry that will last long after I have departed this earthly world.
So let me tell you that all in all, I have lived life fully and wonderfully. If and when I go home, I go in grace and with peace. My way will be clear and though my mortal body will have disappeared, I will never be a stranger to the love inside your hearts.
Know this always. And live life fully everyday!
Christina

7 comments:

  1. That was so very touching Christie....
    I am so very sorry for ya'lls loss...
    It's never easy losing those we love!
    Keeping you in your family in my thoughts and prayers
    during this difficult time.
    Hugs,
    Terri

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  2. You have learned a very valuable lesson at such a very young age.  I am more than twice your age, and still have struggles with the death issue.  Just lost my sister six months ago, and now my 80 year old brother is quite ill.  Being the youngest of six, it is so difficult to know that in probably only a matter of months I will be all that is left of the immediate family.  I am not accepting it well, but your shared thoughts were a big help.  Thanks.  (((hugs))) LaVern

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  3. Hi,

    Kim mentioned your Blog and I've just been reading some of your recent entries.
    My younger sister had BC at 33 and will be celebrating her 50th late this year.

    You talked about your experience on the 13th. It reminded me of something similar when I was 29. My son, aged 3 almost died from Measles, he was in hospital and near death for three days and that was after he had a Febrile Convulsion, due to his high temperature, which caused him to stop breathing and his heart to stop. I had to resuscitate him.

    A week after all that I caught a Virus which gave me Pnuemonia and I was bedriddden for a month. One night I was so weak I sort of woke from my sleep and was in a very dark place, this place seemed to be about six feet beneath where I was lying on my bed. I knew I had stopped breathing and I had a choice. It was so clear, I did have a choice. To slip peacefully away, or to fight. At that moment I felt such rage that I might think of leaving my babies alone, I fought to make myself breathe and it was just like coming up from the bottom of a swimming pool, I fought my way up through the blackness, back into my bed and started breathing again. From that time I started to recover.

    The interesting thing is, I always had a morbid fear of death until that time. Yes it still scares me and I don't want to go yet but death itself now holds no real fears.

    Sorry for the ramblings here. I just thought it might help you a little.

    Take care.


    Linda. x.

    http://journals.aol.co.uk/lindaggeorge/GeorgeMansions/

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  4. What a beautiful heartfelt entry.  I suppose it ought not be beautiful when it is talk of death but yet, it is beautiful because you have a beautiful attitude and I'm sure you are a beautiful person too.
    Thanks for visiting my journal today.  I want to come back and see you more often.  Good luck with everything.  I know it must be hard not to be able to go to the funeral with your Hubby but I guess if people are going to be ill toward you, it is probably best to do as he wishes and then support him when he gets home - giving him space but doing "little things".  I remember that is what I liked when I lost my father- for someone to do the "little things" - like my chores and fixing me a drink....LOL.  Just pamper and that will help a lot.  Have a good day, and I've written a book.

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  5. This was beautiful and enlightening at the same time. I learned something about you I didn't know. Your husband is Native? I'm half Cherokee and I know all about being downplayed for marrying outside of the tribe and being told it's a slap to your heritage. Instead of being acknowledged for who I am, I have been branded the halfbreed. I, myself find it hard to accept the close minded issues of some tribal beliefs. Being native is not all blood , it's also relative to what one believes. In having said that I wish your husband had taken you with him to the funeral. Albiet we have different ways of remembering our dead your still his wife. Your love for him and your family is obvious in a few words, I imagine in real life it shines bright and your spirit it evidence enough. His family may never get around to accepting you, but I do with all my heart. (Hugs) Indigo

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  6. Christina, so sorry to hear that your husbands aunt passed away....he probably just needs this time for hisself to get through her passing and all life has dealt your way.  Bless you for finding peace i your heart.  As for saying you are on borrowed time....we all are dear, none of us know what tomorrow brings us....so we just need to make the most of each day the good Lord gives us.....Bless you and yours....Arlene (AJ)

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  7. Just stopped in to wish you well. Paula

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