Monday, September 17, 2007
I Wanna Be Brave...
I was blessed this weekend by having the opportunity to speak for many young woman facing breast cancer during a live news interview. I was beside myself and a nervous wreck, but the truth is that I had my wonderful husband and my closest friend there with me. True I could really see the affects of this cancer on my face, but I was sitting there, alive and able to speak for those that can't. So this morning in the midst of all that is happening with my dad and even with all these new, costly tests I am being put through, I offer this part of my inner thoughts to you, my friends.
I wrote this some time back on a really bad day. In my day to day struggle, and as I watch others struggle through their own battle with this beast, I know that I speak not only for myself, but for many others in how CANCER rips away at your spirit some days. This entry is for all CANCER SURVIVORS. I really feel it hits the nail right on the head in respect to even the strongest survivors along the Journey.
I Wanna Be Brave
I wanna be brave today even though I feel like crying. I wanna be courageous this morning even though I am scared. I wanna be strong this afternoon even though I feel terribly weak. I want to believe today that there is a tomorrow and I want to know that hope is strong enough to carry me even though my faith has been crushed.
I don't want my heart to fall apart or let the world see my bandaged spirit. I want to be in control even though I know that I cannot hold back this beast forever. I want to smile easily and forget, even if it is just for now, how sad I really feel. I wanna be me again.
I wanna be brave, really I do. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to think about dying, I want to live. I don't want to be just a number on a schedule even though I know I really am. I want to think about tomorrow, but all I can really do is plan for today.
I wanna grow old enough to see silver line my hair. I want to be healthy and strong. I don't want to feel this pain within my body anymore and I don't want to worry about my children living their lives without me. I don't want my hair to fall out again or lose another breast. I want to live life as I once did, unafraid. I want to laugh and feel sexy once again. I want to feel uninhibited and wake up without feeling the reapers sickle at my throat. I want to be spontaneous and silly again, carefree without worry.
I wanna be me again. I want to live without fear, smile without hesitance. I want to be strong, full of courage and oh how I wanna be brave.