Why, is one of those words that just can't be answered sometimes. I have stood in front of the mirror may times, looking at my disfigured chest asking myself why this had to happen to me, to my body and to my family?
Why is the biggest word I have found the hardest answering my sons. Why, Mommy? Why you, why us? Why cancer? Why did God let this happen? Why are you so sick? Why ... why Mommy does cancer cause people to die? Why would God let you die Mommy?
Why some may ask? Yes, why does cancer make its mark on our lives? Why does God allow this thing to take over our wayof life and our bodies? Why does cancer change us so desperately? Well, because CANCER is CANCER, simple in nature, but not so simple in the living of it.
So again, why? Well, the truth is that I do not know why. But what I do know is that this cancer, breast cancer, has done more for me than it has ever taken away from me. I realize that at some point cancer my take my last breath from me, but it will not take my life from me!
As I sit here I see my life fully in front of me. I see my family, my boys, my husband and my parents. I see my dearest friends and those who stand beside me. I feel my faith strong inside and I have no need to ask if I trust my God, because I do trust Him even as I struggle with this cancer. My faith comes from the inner knowledge that even in death I will have lived.
Why Cancer? I do not know. Maybe it was to make me stronger, to open my eyes to the cause or to mold me into a survivor. I do not know why, but I do know that I am a better person for its mark on my life. To some this breast cancer may appear to have been my undoing to others this cancer may seem to be my legacy. But in the depths of my heart it is my children, my boys who will grow into strong men one day who are my real legacy. It is in their lives, in their hearts and in their futures that I leave my hope, eternally.
So even though my life has not turned out just the way I thought it would, or taken the turns I had hoped for. Though the real truth of it all is that I will never be able to answer the questions that begin with the word 'Why,' I will live in the peace of my Maker's hands.
Why me, why you? Why is just simply a word that follows our fear. So even though I will struggle on those bad days I can rest in the assurance of my faith. I know without doubt that I will continue to ask why on those days that breast cancer haunts my spirit. But when the fear of cancer, of my immortality has receded, I will embrace the unknown and simply live in spite of all the whys!