About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Soul Clutter

Soul Clutter

I have spent the better part of the last two weeks secluded in my home tucked away and hidden from the world. Why? Well, I have been trying to de clutter, clean and put together my house again after 22 moths of free reigning chaos. I have had my head and hands inside of closets that seemed to be sucking me up into a black hole. I have had my nose over run by dust bunnies, and my skin crawl with imaginable unseen, yet very real critters. I have pushed, pulled and shoved furniture from one end of the house to the other. Then at the days end I have finally collapsed onto my bed, only to hear the voices of my children asking for water in the middle of the night. What does all this have to do with anything you ask? Well, it has everything to do with well, everything! Just as we finally get to a point where we can't keep opening our closets up everyday and having an earthquake pour out, or look at all the collected clutter on the table one more day, we also have to spring clean our souls.

I have lived with and through cancer. I have kept moving, stopping only to take a breath here and there. I have dared myself to live in spite of all the pain, and push on even while I have felt my soul bleeding. There have been many times that I have seen all the clutter building up in my life, yet put it off saying tomorrow. I have seen the pictures that remind me of who I was before and how I spent my life. I have stepped over the boxes filled with the dreams of who I wanted to be, who I was and who I could have been. I have promised to pack up a hurt and toss it away, yet somehow it never seems to make it out of that closet of mine. But isn't that the way of things in this life?

We just keep collecting clutter? Before we know it we have months and then years of emotional pain, scares and hurt feelings that have been built up. Suddenly we open that closet one day and everything comes falling out over our heads, onto our feet and into our hands. There is no choice but to deal with the black hole! For me that black hole has been my cancer. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it but it still showed up one day like junk mail. We all have those "black holes," those closets and drawers filled with stuff we really don't need, maybe even don't really want, but still we hold onto them. Piles and piles of worry, hurt, and fears left unseen, but always there in those 'no mans lands' of our souls. We tuck them away over here and over there, in the junk drawer, shoving them inside that 'no worries' closet until finally there is no more room left. Our reasons are all different, but they are all still there, gathering up more clutter everyday.

After a while all that clutter begins to make you feel as if you really have been committed. The desire begins hitting a little too close to home when you start banging your head into the padded walls of your cell as it closes in on you. In the blink of an eye all the order of your life went flying out the window leaving you with uncontrollable chaos. Before you have a chance to catch your breath your world has become unruly. Chaos is supreme ruler here in the shadows and it feels as if all your fears have leaped out into the real world. Your once orderly books, precisely placed trinkets, packed boxes, vacuumed floor and the peaceful music inside your soul has sprung loose and is suddenly crowding you. Books have fallen out of their shelves and are in piles all around the recently stained carpet. Trinkets are here and there out of place while boxes filled with inner secrets have spilled out and over. And as if that isn't bad enough the radio dial of your soul has been cranked and is blasting out hard metal music.

OK, so your mind is in a muddle and you feel as if you have completely lost your mind in the middle of all this craziness. In my life I have had to come to terms with and understand that there is no control with cancer! No one has any control of the beast. It attacks without warning, taking all it can from you, beating you down, and striping you of the life you once knew. Living inside the belly of the beast isn't easy no matter what beast you are fighting. But you can claw your way back out. I personally have had to come to an understanding with my beast and accept that we have any control with what it can and will do. Not the doctors, nor the surgeons, and especially not me! The only One, Who has any control, is my Maker. It is in His hands that I have had to surrender my control and all this clutter. What else is there to do? He has not set out to cause me pain; instead He has allowed this beast to attack, always giving me the strength to endure for reasons known only to Him.

So maybe it's time to open that closet, or not to just dig through those drawers but to dive in head first. I know it's hard at the end of the day. I know that the load in front of you may seem impossible at times but I am living proof that there is an end to the Black Hole currently in front of you. You aren't lacking strength. It is there, hidden maybe, but it is still there deep within you soul. It doesn't matter how dark, cold or lonely you feel, there is hope, strength and courage in the arms holding your arms up. Go head, let all that clutter out, toss it out, sweep those floors, right side your soul and open up the blinds to your soul!


Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Whys of it All!


Why, is one of those words that just can't be answered sometimes. I have stood in front of the mirror may times, looking at my disfigured chest asking myself why this had to happen to me, to my body and to my family?

Why is the biggest word I have found the hardest answering my sons. Why, Mommy? Why you, why us? Why cancer? Why did God let this happen? Why are you so sick? Why ... why Mommy does cancer cause people to die? Why would God let you die Mommy?

Why some may ask? Yes, why does cancer make its mark on our lives? Why does God allow this thing to take over our wayof life and our bodies? Why does cancer change us so desperately? Well, because CANCER is CANCER, simple in nature, but not so simple in the living of it.

So again, why? Well, the truth is that I do not know why. But what I do know is that this cancer, breast cancer, has done more for me than it has ever taken away from me. I realize that at some point cancer my take my last breath from me, but it will not take my life from me!

As I sit here I see my life fully in front of me. I see my family, my boys, my husband and my parents. I see my dearest friends and those who stand beside me. I feel my faith strong inside and I have no need to ask if I trust my God, because I do trust Him even as I struggle with this cancer. My faith comes from the inner knowledge that even in death I will have lived.

Why Cancer? I do not know. Maybe it was to make me stronger, to open my eyes to the cause or to mold me into a survivor. I do not know why, but I do know that I am a better person for its mark on my life. To some this breast cancer may appear to have been my undoing to others this cancer may seem to be my legacy. But in the depths of my heart it is my children, my boys who will grow into strong men one day who are my real legacy. It is in their lives, in their hearts and in their futures that I leave my hope, eternally.

So even though my life has not turned out just the way I thought it would, or taken the turns I had hoped for. Though the real truth of it all is that I will never be able to answer the questions that begin with the word 'Why,' I will live in the peace of my Maker's hands.

Why me, why you? Why is just simply a word that follows our fear. So even though I will struggle on those bad days I can rest in the assurance of my faith. I know without doubt that I will continue to ask why on those days that breast cancer haunts my spirit. But when the fear of cancer, of my immortality has receded, I will embrace the unknown and simply live in spite of all the whys!