The thought of both death and life go hand in hand just as fear and loss live within each of us everyday. Maybe there are those days that we manage to toss it in the corner, or hide it away in a drawer, but the truth is that it never really escapes us. We go through our lives day to day, living with no fear of what the next turn may bring. But then one day we wake up and we know that something is wrong. We can feel it deep within our bones, within our souls and we tremble with the loss our spirits have awakened with. A letter suddenly arrives, the phones rings at a late hour and we just know...something is not right, something is wrong, something terrible has happened.
Death has arrived, grief has grabbed hold of us, shaking us by our shoulders and is digging her cold claws into our hearts. How I hate those kind of days. The kind when you wake up in the morning with a dear ones' soul alive seemingly well, and go to bed at night with grief as your bed fellow. Death? How we love and hate it. A kind of cat and mouse game that always seems to sneak up on us when we least expect it too.
The grieving and the loss of a loved one can be almost to much to bear and yet the lives of those we lose can truly inspire us to live bravely, to fight another day. In my own battle with this beast, this cancer, this death that looms over head continually tring to drag my soul into deaths' darkness, I find myself cursing death. Yet the truth is, I know I will have to welcome it at some point if I am to live my life with peace as my companion. I know too that for as long as I breath I will continue to struggle to live my life circling around death, trying to out smart death, even going into hand to hand combat with death herself. Finally I know that the time will eventually come for me accept my fait and to walk gracefully beside death as we journey to the grave together. Yet acceptancing death seems to be almost clear contradiction as I find myself fighting the Reaper for I simply do not wish to give in to her demands. But is that not the battle inside all of us? Are we not playing a tug-a-war game with death as she stands with her sickle in one hand, pulling us toward her while staring us down eye to eye? I refuse to give up yet !
I know I cannot go on fighting forever, so while I still can, I will live loudly. Life is precious, life is fleeting and live we must while we are still given breath. I fear not my death, I only pray that I will not fear the quantity, but find my joy in the quality. My truest desire is to live bravely as those that I have loved and lost have so done before me.
I grieve your loss my sisters... Kim and B.J. I will always love you.