Life is good at throwing curve balls, isn't it? One day the world is full of promise and the next it is full of hopelessness. Believe me I know! I have been living on this test track of insanity for over 2 years now. As soon as the car starts to slow down and I think I am going to catch a break, start to unbuckle and get out of the vehicle to stretch my legs, it starts again. Your head hits the back of the seat and you are off . Zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds! That is about how life goes whether you are dealing with an illness or not. Life is plain and simply a ride through the unknown.
Since being admitted to the ICU for 4 days last month I have tried to slow the pace down, catch my breath and keep my hands on the steering wheel, and for the most part I have succeeded. I have taken my meds, rested when I could and slowed my body down as best as I know how. But still I have had to deal with pain, my hands being the first on the list and all of these pushy, in your face deal with me now, we have to have your attention emotions.
I have come to the conclusion that strength and fear can both bring you hope, just as courage and faith can give you strength when you are speeding through life at 90 miles per hour. Still there are those times that anger throws a blow to your heart, and pain creeps into your spirit bruising your core. The internal struggle is never seen by others because this fight is fought within your soul. But still you can feel it and you know it quite well.
Even though life changes as quickly as the seasons, change is hard. You keep reminding yourself that you have slain the beast. You can come out and bask in the sun again, feel the wind not only on your face but through your hair. But the fear that the beast will rise up from the dead is a constant ringing voice in your ear. You fought hard, wielded your sword, physically carved the beast's claw from your body and then put your sword through what you believed to be the heart of the beast. You celebrated victory, walked hand and hand with those who fought by your side and reclaimed what the beast took from you. Still there are those days, those appointments that throw you for a loop. It's like riding the ocean's waves and then suddenly taken under by her currents.
Just as you have taken off your armor and laid your head down the beast rises. Finally after all this time, you are resting allowing your body and soul to heal, But the rotted remnants of the beast is moving and you awake to feel its' hot, boiling breath exhaling once more . Suddenly, yet not unexpectedly life has changed and so you rise to face this beast yet again. True the light may be dim but it is still enough to light the way. As you put your armor back on, grab your sword and run back onto the battlefield you realize that even with all your doubts, fears and anger that you are ready to step back into the fight. You can stare this beast in the eyes yet again you know that you have slain it once before. Even better the beast knows it as well.!