There are definitely those times in life that one could say that they feel like a living, barely breathing, spinning, hurling, pinging yes, out of control pinball inside the machine! A mouthful I know, but oh so true! When you have to let go and let someone else release that lever life can seem a bit out of control.
That's how I feel sometimes, especially when I have to make my way through what feels like a maze of medical goo. There always seems to be the traps that feel as if I have fallen into, then there are those high balling pings that send me back and forth and finally there is that one last shebang that loops me right out and into the pit. Cancer and the life you live after in both her shadow and in the scar she leaves behind upon your body seems to constantly pull you back and forth through the machine.
One doctor sees one thing and the other sees nothing. A test here and another there. I'm up one minute and down the next. Life is simply a tug of war between sanity and solitude. Once I have been sprung back into the game everyday feels as if I am navigating my way through a maze, inside of a human pinball machine. I seem to always have my sight on the way out and back into the world of sanity. But there is always that turn around, that sling shot right back into the insanity that sends my life spinning half hazardly out of my control again!
I hear the screams and see the bizarre mix of faces ahead of me. I seem to always be throwing my hands up in front of my face trying not to get too banged up along the way but then it happens. A curve or a sink hole and I am knocked out firmly on my fourth point of contact. Seriously as soon as I get back up and feel as if I am running smoothly I turn that corner and the shadow above me is waiting gleefully to draw back on her handle and slam me hard against the giant poisoned marked pinger and right into the curve of destruction. Yes, I can say with complete confidence that is how living in the wake of Cancer can feel at times. I want desperately to escape this game, and yet every time I think I am about to slip away into the land of peace and harmony I get slammed back into this pinball machine. There are times that I feel as if I have just made the highest player round and there is no where else to go but home. But then days like the one I have lived today seem to explode out of no where and send me reeling right back through the herky jerky spins again.
Uncertainty is full of fear and that is where I don't want to be yet that's where I seem to have landed this time.