About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Friday, June 13, 2008

My Life As A Human Pinball




There are definitely those times in life that one could say that they feel like a living, barely breathing, spinning, hurling, pinging yes, out of control pinball inside the machine! A mouthful I know, but oh so true! When you have to let go and let someone else release that lever life can seem a bit out of control.

That's how I feel sometimes, especially when I have to make my way through what feels like a maze of medical goo. There always seems to be the traps that feel as if I have fallen into, then there are those high balling pings that send me back and forth and finally there is that one last shebang that loops me right out and into the pit. Cancer and the life you live after in both her shadow and in the scar she leaves behind upon your body seems to constantly pull you back and forth through the machine.

One doctor sees one thing and the other sees nothing. A test here and another there. I'm up one minute and down the next. Life is simply a tug of war between sanity and solitude. Once I have been sprung back into the game everyday feels as if I am navigating my way through a maze, inside of a human pinball machine. I seem to always have my sight on the way out and back into the world of sanity. But there is always that turn around, that sling shot right back into the insanity that sends my life spinning half hazardly out of my control again!

I hear the screams and see the bizarre mix of faces ahead of me. I seem to always be throwing my hands up in front of my face trying not to get too banged up along the way but then it happens. A curve or a sink hole and I am knocked out firmly on my fourth point of contact. Seriously as soon as I get back up and feel as if I am running smoothly I turn that corner and the shadow above me is waiting gleefully to draw back on her handle and slam me hard against the giant poisoned marked pinger and right into the curve of destruction. Yes, I can say with complete confidence that is how living in the wake of Cancer can feel at times. I want desperately to escape this game, and yet every time I think I am about to slip away into the land of peace and harmony I get slammed back into this pinball machine. There are times that I feel as if I have just made the highest player round and there is no where else to go but home. But then days like the one I have lived today seem to explode out of no where and send me reeling right back through the herky jerky spins again.

Uncertainty is full of fear and that is where I don't want to be yet that's where I seem to have landed this time.

Christina



5 comments:

  1. I am so sorry; I can't imagine living like this, yet you have to do it every single day with cancer; I never stopped to think about the ups and downs of it; so overwhelming

    hugs to you

    betty

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  2. Hi Christina, I spotted your journal entry In amongst quite a few and each time I am ready to click the link, I pause for breath. You have described this horror that you live so perfectly. I get It. I hope they all give you a break and you get some peace time. I will keep praying for you sweetie. Love Pam xx

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  3. It's the uncertainty. The not knowing and the guesswork too, that keeps your brain in overdrive when cancer visits.  The many appointments that come. The putting your life in their hands and sometimes feeling that you are just a name and number that can leave you feeling depesonalised in amongst all the processes and procedures.  I know...I've been there.  You get distressed with waiting rooms  and looking around at other waiting worried faces.  The highs and lows of the treatments and diagnoses which assail your body and the being left in Limbo wondering what next will come over the horizon.
    I ended up taking one day at a time.  I lived in the 'Now'.  
    I am praying that all will go well for you Christina and that the day will come when you will wonder why you haven't got an appointment to keep and you will smile at the knowledge that it means you are well at long last!.
    Thinking of you and feeling all that you are going through.

    Hugs
    Jeanie xxx

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  4. ((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))

    Hugs
    Terri

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  5. Christina I hope and pray they can give you some answers soon. I'm sure you feel like you are being tossed all over the place. The pic in the entry below is beautiful. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prays.
    Hugs
    Debbie

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