Sunday, November 16, 2008
A Crazy, Wonderful Mismatch
As a child my day dreams were filled full of fairy tales,--- princesses, castles, jousting, knights and riding off into the sunset. As a woman, my sights were a bit more realistic when I met my husband. Alright so Johnny isn't my knight in shining armor. Getting the man up on a horse would never quite happen. I think I would actually pay to see that happen!
The two of us are a crazy, wonderful mismatch. Johnny and I met and married in 6 months time. Most of our family and friends thought we would never last. Well, here we are 13 years later. True we have had our troubles, fought our battles, but we have always come out on top together. The bottom line is this: We absolutely love one another! We have known that from the first moment we met. I know what most people think, but for Johnny and I, the old taboo of finding love at first sight was a perfect fit.
Johnny was not just handsome, he was strikingly beautiful. His high cheek bones, brown eyes and cinnamon skin was more than my senses could process. Johnny was strong, quiet and so completely my polar opposite. Yet I was drawn to him. I saw the rest of my life in his eyes and I knew, he knew, we were each others match.
Johnny and I were both fairly young when our souls crossed each other's path. We were both searching for that "someone" to complete us. We found each other and never let go. No matter the trials, the hurts, the ups and downs, we have always come back to the one thing that holds us together, well make that two things.:We always come back to the Lord and our deep love for the other.
Johnny is the one man who has loved me unconditionally in my life. The one man who has seen past my insecurities in life and taken me not just into his bed, but into his life. Johnny has sacrificed many parts of who he is for me. When his family on the Reservation would not accept me or our children, drawing a line for him, making him choose us or them Johnny painfully walked away from his past. I cannot stress enough: It was painful! It is not an easy thing for anyone to do, but as an American Indian man this is even harder. There are 10 American Indian commandments. One of them is to show great respect for your fellow beings ( honor and respect your family). But they also state to do what you know is right, be truthful and honest at all times and take full responsibility for your actions. For Johnny this is a complete contradiction when it come to his family --- his mother, his wife and his children. In order to do what was right, to keep his family together, to be able to look his children in the eyes, he was forced to choose. The pain inside of him must be excruciating.
I can't imagine the turmoil inside his spirit over this. For over 7 years it has remained so. Micah was just 2 when this great divide occurred. Joshua barely remembers calling his grandmother "Apple" as his little self used to call her. It has pained me through the years because I can feel his pain just under the surface. The ripple affect hurts everyone involved. Johnny does *give assistance and kindness wherever needed, but how can he *look after the well-being of mind and body when his spirit has been torn in such a manner? Our boys, precious and kind, have but a glimpse of who they are, where they really descend from. For Johnny, sharing this part of his soul is terrifying. I do not understand why this had to be, but it is the reality of our here and now. I pray often for reconciliation for both Johnny our boy's sake.
When I look out over all the water under the bridge I see the current pulling us, forcing us down the river. Do I understand all the ripples, the waves pushing us up onto the shore ? No, not at all. But I do understand God has given us a boat to sail through times such as these( even if leaks spring up from time to time). In the wider picture this is yet another part of our struggle together. This life we have chiseled together has been tough and yet very beautiful. I love this man with all my being. Johnny is a very inward man, a closed door to many most of the time. Yet for all that, Johnny is a gracious , loyal man and a protective husband and father.
Johnny has been by my side all this time, holding my hand, carrying me when I could not continue on my own. No, he is not a man of many words, and true Johnny is not a man to exhibit his "feelings" for all to see. But when we are alone, just the two of us together, Johnny is my rock. When I am weak, Johnny is my strength. When I am afraid it is Johnny who is readily by my side. My husband has loved me through the good and the bad, some rich but mostly poor times, in sickness and in health. Johnny has loved me with two breasts and held me closer with just one breast. I love this man, my husband, and father of our children. We have taught one another so much. (I may have laughed as I taught him how to make eggs and grilled cheese, and he may roll his eyes trying to teach me to play poker). Still through out all the many ins and outs of our marriage I could not have lived without his gentle might, nor would I be able to survive without his inner strength shinning brightly on the path before us.
Johnny is a gentle warrior, and a good man. Our life together has not been easy to say the least, but it has been worth every step, worth every mile. We may never find gold at the end of the rainbow or out live my cancer. But in the end we will have lived a long life together worth the uneven, rocky path set before us. In the end, I believe sometimes it's the broken road that leads us right where we need to be... into each other's arms.