Many times in the midst of our fight with death, fear, illness, our children are overlooked. No we do not over look their care, needs or the love we give their precious souls. What is lost, overlooked sometimes is their might, their core of true inner strength. This is the lesson I was taught this last week.
As I came out of my IVIG treatment, waking after 15 hours of sleep, I realized my children had been kept from me. My heart broken as I saw clouded images of both Joshua and Micah asking to see me and being turned away. Tears filled my eyes and swept down my face. By no choice of my own my children had been denied their mother. I was broken as I wept right there in my own room. The one promise I have always made to my boys was broken: I have always given my word they would never be kept away from me. I have always made it clear to my doctors, nurses and care givers to allow my children close to my side. All that came crumbling down last week.
As I began filing away, throwing out and gluing the pieces of my heart back together I received an email. It was from Joshua's councilor at school. I clicked on it and began reading what I thought was much of the same.... Joshua said he was fine, private, keeping much of his thoughts to himself. But that wasn't the news, not all of it anyway. Yes, he was quiet and yes he did say he was fine. What I wasn't expecting was he was open to speaking to another child whose mother was facing cancer and chemo.
As I read on I learned how Joshua was eager to speak with this child who was having an incredibly difficult time with the mother was going through chemo. So my Joshua, my quiet boy willingly offered his experience up letting this other child know they weren't alone. As the two children sat there they both spoke about how they handled their mom's difficult times. they talked for a while about how they handled things at home and how it affects them at school. The counselor said that Joshua was incredibly helpful and full of good ideas on how to handle the day to day worries of this illness. Joshua spoke of my battle, how he dealt with it, how he still deals with the fear, and even encouraged this other child to have their mother read my blog! Joshua's counselor then said she was so proud of him and what a great and awesome leader he was.
I sat there, in front of my computer with tears filling my eyes so proud of my baby and in awe of Joshua's strength. My heart felt as if it would burst. Then as I pulled away from the screen I began to slowly realize Joshua's inner strength. I saw the depth of his endurance, the width of his understanding and the beauty of his compassion. All these attributes I have known he had but somehow hadn't seen as a whole before.
This Breast Cancer has been my battle, my beast to fight, to beat or has it? The truth is this isn't just my battle, it is also my husbands' and my childrens'. Through all the ups, downs, treatments, operations and everyday existence my children have walked with me. Every ditch, mile and sink hole I have climbed out of or gone through. my boys have too. Joshua and Micah have placed their faith and feet in every footstep I have made along the road. It has not just been my eyes to have the rose colored glasses break, but theirs as well.
I have often wondered all the whys of God's plan in all this. I have asked God many times about the nightmares, tears and sleepless nights my children have faced together. I have thought about the men my boys will one day become, what kind of husbands and fathers they will be. I have struggled with the emotional burdens they carry and the scares this will all leave behind in the wake of their lives. I have worried, tossed through many nights over what I will leave both boys in the end. Yet in this one email I could see God's grace. The insight and wisdom He has given my children. I was given a gimps into Joshua and Micah's unique ability to continue growing and thriving in spite of their own worst fears.
My son, Joshua, has proven in the midst of the battlefield, hope can be found and shared. My first born became the teacher and I the student last week. Joshua, in this act of bravery and compassion , taught me just how strong our children can be. I now see the full scope of the beasts' affect on our lives. Life has been tough. but it has not been all bad either. In Joshua's clarity I can see the full depth of his soul, and blinding brightness of his spirit. This is not just my story to tell anymore...it is his too.