About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Sign on the Dotted Line Please


So this week has been well one for the books. Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. There are definitely times in my life when I feel as if I am a big gummed up ball of mess under the table just waiting for someone to come along and scrape me off! Seriously, that is how I feel right now. Put aside the normal crazy of my life... and you have absurd. But this week has just topped the charts and is seriously one for the books.

Flash back....Breast reconstruction was the way to go. I was all aboard that train. No problems, well that was what I was told, just sign on the dotted line.... Christina D. Olachia. Done. Well in my world of 20/20 I would say CRAZY was written all over that one but did I take note? Oh no, I just signed away, trusted what i was told and went along as typical happy go luck Christina. Why not, after all I had just had my boob whacked off. How could it get any worse? I had been living with an expander for 12 months, how bad could an breast implant be? Worse.


Life will resume a sense of normal Christina. You will feel whole, beautiful and have no real worries. So I took the dream hook, line and sinker. My life normal? Wrong, wrong, wrong! So I say to any woman about to consider this: be educated on all your options ladies! Don't follow the pied piper into a world of devastation and misery.

Back to the present reality... that said here is the recap of my week....

Problem #1.

My R.A. is kicking my butt. Getting better? No, not a chance. So now my next treatment option is something called IV IG treatment .WORDS TO CONSIDER here are:

1) Immunoglobulins
2) plasma
3) immunomodulator
4) overactive
5) immune system
6) annual cost
7) $50,000

Okie Dokie then.

Problem #2

My implant is not kicking my butt, no, nothing as bad as all that. I am just suffering from buyer remorse on this one. So I am just banging my head against the wall. The word concussion is written on this claim, maybe a self induced coma? Alrighty then this is the deal. I had a breast exam 3 days ago. Words to describe that would be: Painful, tender, agonizing. Nothing much to worry about right? Sure, no worries. Wrong... here we go again. Words to ponder here are:

1) Breast MRI
2) Ripple
3) Corrosion (through)
4) Skin
5) Hard Lump
6) Small Pocket
7) Leakage

Again, Okie Dokie then.

Well no one can ever say that I live a dull life. Seriously in between all this new information I am living life as wonder woman, lol. ( I have some great ideas on that topic!) Never slowing down is my motto! Let's see what this week includes: Joshua's birthday. ( cake, gift, paintball, dinner) Micah's school musical ( costume, dress rehearsal, 3 performances), wrapping up a fundraising party ( at my house) for Komen, 2 doctor appointments, did I say that? No I meant 3, 1 MRI, some blood work, a 24 hour collection (checking my kidneys because I have too much protein spilling), homework ( times 2 boys), house recovery ( lol, due to Hurricane Joshua/ Micah), school fundraiser ( cookie dough pickup), 50th day of school dress up ( Micah wants to be Elvis) and that's just the things I can actually remember, lol.

Getting back on track... So back to being the gum under the table. There are seriously those time ( I think we all have them) when I feel chewed up, completely devoid of any more use and discarded. That is how my body feels right now. I emphasize body, because my mind and spirit are well. I am just spent and I am tired physically. I do not want to have to deal with breast problems anymore. I am done with the complications. I want to be able to put all this to bed ( Maybe that is just wishful thinking). But I keep being pulled back into the bully- a- breast arena. So is this is the game? If this is what I have to do, well, then I want the chance to wear the gloves and knock this beast out for once! I want to be the one to do the scraping and discarding. Is that too much to ask for?

I am done with playing around, nodding my head up and down and basically being the pawn. I want to take control of this game and finally come out ahead. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I being selfish, whinny, and too pushy? I don't know, maybe I am. I just want a change in the odds. Maybe for just once to be able to stop and breath...just for a minute anyway. I am not trying to complain and act like a brat, really I am not. I just want to be able to just be a mom, and to be able to be the wife I set out to be...someday anyway.

I am seriously afraid that I am leaving my children fear, uncertainty. Where has their childhood gone? I can tell you where it has gone... to CANCER, that's where! Do you think they will remember more than this beast's grip in their lives once they have left their boyhood's behind them? I sure hope so. I really do.

I guess I am having a pity party here. Sorry, about that. I just need to get this out so that I can break out of this shell, this frozen state I have woken up to this morning. I guess I am just tired.

X Christina
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6 comments:

  1. You are more there for your boys than many healthy or weathly mothers. So they grow up being more sensitive, that's a good thing! Dannelle No pity, its reality~ love and mucho hugs

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  2. Never underestimate the spiritual and emotional growth this experience will give your sons as well. I don't blame you at al lfor worrying about their childhod an dfor wanting to have more control in your health concerns. Aren't there advisors you can talk to about some of this? It seems my sister talked to some folks about the options available to her before she talked with her doctor. At any rate, with so much information on the internet, you should be able to do at least a search on what options are out there. Good Luck and I hope you feel in control soon.

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  3. As a mother you will worry no matter the troubles in life. If any good is to come out of this awful, I pray that your boys learn compassion and kindness and become the sensitive young men we all hope our daughters will meet.

    Pity Party? Everyone needs one now and again ... then it's time to get back in the ring.

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  4. I like what Kathy said. I am telling you, reading your story is quite a ride. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. Pity Party? You selfish? I don't think so Christina, you have scraped that gum more times than any of us can imagine and another wad of gum keeps taking it's place. I can't begin to imagine how tired you must be. As an adult I know how my sisters cancer has taken it's toll on me, it's bound to have a lasting affect on children. I hope and pray that your boys do not live in fear because of it. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love and Hugs
    Debbie

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  6. Have you taken a look at your boys lately hon? They are the most compassionate, understanding young men. You've given them more grace and beauty in their lives than most parents ever did or could. Don't ever second guess yourself there. The proof is in their faces. (Hugs)Indigo

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