Saturday, November 8, 2008
Sign on the Dotted Line Please
So this week has been well one for the books. Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. There are definitely times in my life when I feel as if I am a big gummed up ball of mess under the table just waiting for someone to come along and scrape me off! Seriously, that is how I feel right now. Put aside the normal crazy of my life... and you have absurd. But this week has just topped the charts and is seriously one for the books.
Flash back....Breast reconstruction was the way to go. I was all aboard that train. No problems, well that was what I was told, just sign on the dotted line.... Christina D. Olachia. Done. Well in my world of 20/20 I would say CRAZY was written all over that one but did I take note? Oh no, I just signed away, trusted what i was told and went along as typical happy go luck Christina. Why not, after all I had just had my boob whacked off. How could it get any worse? I had been living with an expander for 12 months, how bad could an breast implant be? Worse.
Life will resume a sense of normal Christina. You will feel whole, beautiful and have no real worries. So I took the dream hook, line and sinker. My life normal? Wrong, wrong, wrong! So I say to any woman about to consider this: be educated on all your options ladies! Don't follow the pied piper into a world of devastation and misery.
Back to the present reality... that said here is the recap of my week....
My R.A. is kicking my butt. Getting better? No, not a chance. So now my next treatment option is something called IV IG treatment .WORDS TO CONSIDER here are:
5) immune system
6) annual cost
Okie Dokie then.
My implant is not kicking my butt, no, nothing as bad as all that. I am just suffering from buyer remorse on this one. So I am just banging my head against the wall. The word concussion is written on this claim, maybe a self induced coma? Alrighty then this is the deal. I had a breast exam 3 days ago. Words to describe that would be: Painful, tender, agonizing. Nothing much to worry about right? Sure, no worries. Wrong... here we go again. Words to ponder here are:
1) Breast MRI
3) Corrosion (through)
5) Hard Lump
6) Small Pocket
Again, Okie Dokie then.
Well no one can ever say that I live a dull life. Seriously in between all this new information I am living life as wonder woman, lol. ( I have some great ideas on that topic!) Never slowing down is my motto! Let's see what this week includes: Joshua's birthday. ( cake, gift, paintball, dinner) Micah's school musical ( costume, dress rehearsal, 3 performances), wrapping up a fundraising party ( at my house) for Komen, 2 doctor appointments, did I say that? No I meant 3, 1 MRI, some blood work, a 24 hour collection (checking my kidneys because I have too much protein spilling), homework ( times 2 boys), house recovery ( lol, due to Hurricane Joshua/ Micah), school fundraiser ( cookie dough pickup), 50th day of school dress up ( Micah wants to be Elvis) and that's just the things I can actually remember, lol.
Getting back on track... So back to being the gum under the table. There are seriously those time ( I think we all have them) when I feel chewed up, completely devoid of any more use and discarded. That is how my body feels right now. I emphasize body, because my mind and spirit are well. I am just spent and I am tired physically. I do not want to have to deal with breast problems anymore. I am done with the complications. I want to be able to put all this to bed ( Maybe that is just wishful thinking). But I keep being pulled back into the bully- a- breast arena. So is this is the game? If this is what I have to do, well, then I want the chance to wear the gloves and knock this beast out for once! I want to be the one to do the scraping and discarding. Is that too much to ask for?
I am done with playing around, nodding my head up and down and basically being the pawn. I want to take control of this game and finally come out ahead. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I being selfish, whinny, and too pushy? I don't know, maybe I am. I just want a change in the odds. Maybe for just once to be able to stop and breath...just for a minute anyway. I am not trying to complain and act like a brat, really I am not. I just want to be able to just be a mom, and to be able to be the wife I set out to be...someday anyway.
I am seriously afraid that I am leaving my children fear, uncertainty. Where has their childhood gone? I can tell you where it has gone... to CANCER, that's where! Do you think they will remember more than this beast's grip in their lives once they have left their boyhood's behind them? I sure hope so. I really do.
I guess I am having a pity party here. Sorry, about that. I just need to get this out so that I can break out of this shell, this frozen state I have woken up to this morning. I guess I am just tired.