About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride

Can I scream yet? Just once? Alright, I will just let out a loud AH! Ok. Ok, I'm good now, really. I just have to say it for sanity's sake....life is unpredictable, crazy and completely off the wall most of the time. This is exactly where I find myself this morning...


Last night I finally slowed down following Christmas .I have been moving full speed ahead since the Monday before Christmas...cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating, wrapping and treatments. Finally I have had a few minutes to breath. Last night I was feeling pretty good. My house was tidy as best as can be expected with 2 boys home and a tree sitting in the living room. Diner was cooked, and cleaned up. I had a movie in mind I wanted to watch after I took a nice long shower.


It was after my shower I noticed it. I normally check out my breasts several times a month,making sure there are no new problems, i.e. skin changes, lumps. But this past month has been an exception to the rule. It's Christmas month, life has been crazy busy and I just let it go .I'm in remission right? Why should I be overly concerned about anything anymore? All I can say is Christina,where have you been hiding? What have you been thinking? Get your head out of the clouds and listen up! You think you are out of the woods? Quite contraire darling. Quite contraire.


So the roller coaster ride just got nasty again .Maybe just a bump or two, I hope. Last night when I looked into the mirror at my reconstructed breast I was shocked by what I saw. My arm was swollen, my "breast" (if you want to call it that) was enlarged, red, with a bubbly rash across my incision line. The same spot my cancer was found originally. My heart just stopped and I felt as if I could not breath for a second or two. I know this sounds like self pity, but my life flashed in front of me. I felt a bolt of panic set in for just a brief moment.


Within a minute or two I had hold of my emotions and figured it was nothing too bad. How bad could it really be? I thought it would go away. I waited, and then waited some more. By this morning I was hopeful. But again I was starring at the same problem as the night before. Originally I was scheduled for IVIG today, but after realizing I had to deal with this new issue I canceled it. I knew I need to make a few calls. I called my gyn to see what she thought. She said call your oncologist, but to call her back if I didn't get anywhere. So I called my oncologist again ( I had already done so) but as my gyn had instructed me to, I kept calling because 'this was urgent'. My one big problem is I do not like to be pushy, so I end up waiting and waiting. About an hour after my conversation with my gyn's office they called me back wanting to know if I had heard from the oncologist office yet. I hadn't.Yep, you guessed it! She wants to see me right away. Of course she does. Why would this be any less an issue than anything else in my life. I only thing I can say is I know I am in good hands.


Waiting is the worst for me. I remember it so well during my " Nothing is wrong" period before the cancer storm hit me three years ago. So I do not plan to sit around and wait. I am going to keep living, doing and moving until I have an answer and even then I do not plan to stop my life for anything. Denial? Maybe, but I do have a life to live regardless of the situation. So I am going ice skating with my boys. We had already planned to do this during their vacation. Dr. S's office is just a few minutes walk from the rink, so I can spend time with my boys and see the doctor. What else is there to do? Sit, worry, panic? No, no, none of those things do me any good. So I will keep busy. I know this now is a wait and see situation. What else can I do? So I am living as if I have no worries. I was right here in the same boat 3 years ago when I found my first lump, in the very same spot. The waiting is the worst, so I am not going to allow myself to be buried by all the what if's. I plan to enjoy my boys and this time I have with them before they return to school. I will celebrate the New Year and continue with my life as I know it...complete and full.

So just keep me in your prayers? I can't ask for more. I am in His hands.

Christina
Update:
I saw my doctor today and I am finally having my breast MRI tomorrow.She thinks there is at least a leak in my implant. It is enough for me to just pull my hair out. I have been saying that for a long time. Been told nothing was wrong, let it be. So now here we are with this! Ok now I feel better. I love my gyn, she is just great! After all this she is sending me to another ( make that my 3rd) plastic surgeon to have this sucker taken out! I will let ya'll know when I have more info.

9 comments:

  1. My positive thoughts and strongest prayers shall go up for you. Your strength and attitude will pull you through this situation. Take care and may your New Year be filled with the things you dream of most! Happy New Year my friend,
    Katie

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  2. Denial? Maybe, but I do have a life to live regardless of the situation

    That line, near the end of your entry, puts things in perspective. I only wish you the best, and keep on living!

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  3. You are in my thoughts and prayers Christina...Please update us when you can...

    So glad you are still doing things with your boys..and living life to the fullest! You are an amazing woman...such an inspiration :)

    Big Hugs!
    Terri

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  4. Every time you notice anything different with your breasts, you're gonna panic. How could you not?

    Don't ever take any little change as nothing either.

    My mom first battled breast cancer back in 87 and then got it back in 2007. Exactly 20 years later....

    I hope you had a wonderful time ice skating!

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  5. Christina,

    Your blog is beautiful & inspirational. I pray your issue is only the leaky implant. I lost my wife of 23 years to triple negative breast cancer last year. Our two (also precosious) boys and I fight on to end triple negative breast cancer. You are a WINNER and will beat this disease! Be a "pushy broad" and fight on. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything! There is always something new for us in our fight.
    You will have a great and healthy 2009!

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  6. Christina,

    Your blog is beautiful & inspirational. I pray your issue is only the leaky implant. I lost my wife of 23 years to triple negative breast cancer last year. Our two (also precosious) boys and I fight on to end triple negative breast cancer. You are a WINNER and will beat this disease! Be a "pushy broad" and fight on. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything! There is always something new for us in our fight.
    You will have a great and healthy 2009!

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  7. Christina I am with you all the way my lovely friend. I can feel your horrror as well as your courage.
    You will be in my prayers as always. That will never change.
    I pray that your symptoms are nothing to do with the cancer and that your implant is the culprit.
    My best wishes for you and your family for the New Year.
    God bless you.
    Love
    Jeanie xxxx

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  8. I am thinking and praying for you Christina!!!

    You have such a great positive attitude - I admire you!!!

    You w8ill get through this too and if there is anything I can do - please let me know!!!

    Love,

    Michelle

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  9. keeping you in prayer..always
    Kelly~

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