Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Roller Coaster Ride
Can I scream yet? Just once? Alright, I will just let out a loud AH! Ok. Ok, I'm good now, really. I just have to say it for sanity's sake....life is unpredictable, crazy and completely off the wall most of the time. This is exactly where I find myself this morning...
Last night I finally slowed down following Christmas .I have been moving full speed ahead since the Monday before Christmas...cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating, wrapping and treatments. Finally I have had a few minutes to breath. Last night I was feeling pretty good. My house was tidy as best as can be expected with 2 boys home and a tree sitting in the living room. Diner was cooked, and cleaned up. I had a movie in mind I wanted to watch after I took a nice long shower.
It was after my shower I noticed it. I normally check out my breasts several times a month,making sure there are no new problems, i.e. skin changes, lumps. But this past month has been an exception to the rule. It's Christmas month, life has been crazy busy and I just let it go .I'm in remission right? Why should I be overly concerned about anything anymore? All I can say is Christina,where have you been hiding? What have you been thinking? Get your head out of the clouds and listen up! You think you are out of the woods? Quite contraire darling. Quite contraire.
So the roller coaster ride just got nasty again .Maybe just a bump or two, I hope. Last night when I looked into the mirror at my reconstructed breast I was shocked by what I saw. My arm was swollen, my "breast" (if you want to call it that) was enlarged, red, with a bubbly rash across my incision line. The same spot my cancer was found originally. My heart just stopped and I felt as if I could not breath for a second or two. I know this sounds like self pity, but my life flashed in front of me. I felt a bolt of panic set in for just a brief moment.
Within a minute or two I had hold of my emotions and figured it was nothing too bad. How bad could it really be? I thought it would go away. I waited, and then waited some more. By this morning I was hopeful. But again I was starring at the same problem as the night before. Originally I was scheduled for IVIG today, but after realizing I had to deal with this new issue I canceled it. I knew I need to make a few calls. I called my gyn to see what she thought. She said call your oncologist, but to call her back if I didn't get anywhere. So I called my oncologist again ( I had already done so) but as my gyn had instructed me to, I kept calling because 'this was urgent'. My one big problem is I do not like to be pushy, so I end up waiting and waiting. About an hour after my conversation with my gyn's office they called me back wanting to know if I had heard from the oncologist office yet. I hadn't.Yep, you guessed it! She wants to see me right away. Of course she does. Why would this be any less an issue than anything else in my life. I only thing I can say is I know I am in good hands.
Waiting is the worst for me. I remember it so well during my " Nothing is wrong" period before the cancer storm hit me three years ago. So I do not plan to sit around and wait. I am going to keep living, doing and moving until I have an answer and even then I do not plan to stop my life for anything. Denial? Maybe, but I do have a life to live regardless of the situation. So I am going ice skating with my boys. We had already planned to do this during their vacation. Dr. S's office is just a few minutes walk from the rink, so I can spend time with my boys and see the doctor. What else is there to do? Sit, worry, panic? No, no, none of those things do me any good. So I will keep busy. I know this now is a wait and see situation. What else can I do? So I am living as if I have no worries. I was right here in the same boat 3 years ago when I found my first lump, in the very same spot. The waiting is the worst, so I am not going to allow myself to be buried by all the what if's. I plan to enjoy my boys and this time I have with them before they return to school. I will celebrate the New Year and continue with my life as I know it...complete and full.
So just keep me in your prayers? I can't ask for more. I am in His hands.
I saw my doctor today and I am finally having my breast MRI tomorrow.She thinks there is at least a leak in my implant. It is enough for me to just pull my hair out. I have been saying that for a long time. Been told nothing was wrong, let it be. So now here we are with this! Ok now I feel better. I love my gyn, she is just great! After all this she is sending me to another ( make that my 3rd) plastic surgeon to have this sucker taken out! I will let ya'll know when I have more info.