Life is an adventure, right? Of course it is! Seriously, life is constantly moving forward even if it feels as if you are taking 3 steps backward. The last few weeks have had me speechless, frustrated, and pulling my chemo curls out. Life, at times, can feel as if it has tossed you into a blender and pressed the puree button all on it's own. By the time you climb out, away from those whirling blades, your feet aren't exactly firm beneath you, are they? Nope, they are wobbly. Personally, I call them crazy legs. Yet after a while, once you have steadied yourself, your feet naturally start moving forward again.
When life has gone of course, and thrown a curve ball at your head, what can you do? Sure at first, you bob around, stumble and most times hit the ground with a loud thud. So then what come next? You are benched with a bag of ice, and told to wait it out. The waiting is the hardest part I think. No matter what doctors office you trek into, there is always a wait. Oh how they love to make you wait! Many times as a cancer patient you are simply waiting and waiting for tests and results. You are always on one end or the other. Either you are waiting to be scheduled or waiting for results to be received..Seriously, it is constant turmoil. The wait to find out if you are well or if you are going to face the beats' fire again can be overwhelming.
As for my own mind set, I try to wake up each morning holding onto my faith. I face this struggle every day and honestly there are times I just want to throw in the towel. Still even though I may feel like throwing myself into the pit offered by the enemy, I know my Lord is always there to catch me. I am far from alone in this journey. I may be constantly juggling my broken dreams, trying to read this road map while deciding which direction to go all at the same time, but I am not alone. Crazy huh? Yes, one word among many to describe this journey but at the end of the day I hold to the knowledge I am not alone. I have been given the love of my God, my husband, my children, good friends and wonderful family. Everyday I make my stand against this beast, I know I have a chance for victory with these dear ones beside me.
True there are those times when life is overwhelming and yes I want to give up, throw my sword down and surrender. But where is hope during those moments? Ah, hope is within me, pulling me back up, pushing me onward. Surrender? No way, I see Hope's light before me. Even when the rain is falling and the winds are blowing, I have shelter from the storm. The branches may fall at my feet, and I may see the waters rise before me. I may even feel as if I am going to sink, drown beneath the flood waters. But His faithfulness is constant and His hands, gentle and strong, always pull me up and out. Absolutely I may be battered, bruised and weary, yet I am still here am I not? This week alone I have had those moments, wanting to give up. I have just stood where I am,then moving slowly, kicking a can at my feet. Why here, why now? Have I fallen into the darkest valley? Maybe I just need to learn to hold the hand extended to me, and trust He knows where I am being lead?
Was I ready this week for my poor baby to be sicker than I have seen him in a long while? No, but yesterday Micah was diagnosed with Mono, just a week after Joshua was in the E.R. for IBS. Finally after 4 days of high fever, headache, weight loss, 2 doctors visits and 2 negative flu swabs we were given a mono diagnosis. Then just hours after later, Joshua bless his heart, starts panicking over all this "whirlwind" around me. He broke down crying. How as a mother do you comfort your child when you have no answers? All I can give Joshua is my own example of faith, strength and courage. Even in the mist of the battlefield I can and will continue to drop to my knees in prayer. Through example he can see my own peace and joy despite the carnage around me. My Lord holds my soul, my spirit in His hands. He will not abandon me.The waves may crash in all around us, but His fire will continue to burn within warming my heart. I will fall, and the world will break me many times in the coming years but I will still hold to both hope and faith. Of all these are the greatest weapons I have to offer my children.
As much as I may try my children overhear my conversations, take note of my appointments and watch me struggle with the IVIG weekly. My "surviving" breast has developed a new rash for the lack of a better word. Pain has followed this new development. I am worried, yet I can helpless to do anything about it. Tests are scheduled, all the right ones, still I am waiting. I am standing here watching the clouds rolling in, wondering if this is a mere thunderstorm or a hurricane? But worry does nothing but stir up more worry. So here I am, waiting. It is all I can do. I can't rush the waiting process as much I may want to.What I do have is a firm foundation of support. I have my circle of family and friend to lean on, to hold me up and wait with me. At the end of the day I will do so with the faith and courage my God has given me.
I believe life is about wondering through the wilderness.I also believe there will be many days ahead for my boys to learn to trust God. There are days to come when the wondering will seem unbearable. True to life's course suffering and pain will come. The sun will set and the night fall, but the sun will rise again. Our hope is great is it not? My prayer for both Joshua and Micah is this: I will not only teach my boys to stay strong, full of faith, hope, always offering forgiveness, but I will live as an example before them.