Though it has only been six days it feels like I have been waiting for an eternity already. Every time the phone rings, either the home or cell, I jump. Is this the call? What will she say? How will I react? Will I jump up and down with good news or be shaken with the bad? Who do I call first? What do I say? Better yet how do I say it? I truly do not know how I will respond yet though I have tried to play the scene out in my mind a thousand times over. Still, good or bad an answer is most welcome right now. The knowing of what is ahead, to be able to wrap my head around what is to come or is not to come will be a welcome relief.
The heaviness of this waiting is almost unbearably painful as it is eerie. I feel as if I am just waiting here in the shadows watching the storm roll in. The only way I can truly describe my state of mind is to compare it to an approaching hurricane. You know it is coming. The clouds have turned bright pink and yellow. The wind is stiring and the storm is definitely on the way. The slightest of turns could change it's course and the outcome. Yet looking out at the sea, there is little doubt you are headed into turbulent waters.The waters are rising and the waves are crashing hard onto the shore. Still the winds could change. Oh how you long for the storm to pass you by. So yes there is always reason to hope.
I am not resolved to cancer and her sudden surge into my life again. No, I am standing with my armor on pushing her advances back. Still I must prepare myself and those I love for a straight forward hit. Being prepared does not mean giving in to the fear, but it is simply wise to be ready. I am hopeful, even though I feel my nerves slipping into a panic or my mind giving into exhaustion.
I am pacing the floor at night, even if it is merely in the hallways of my dreams. I smile at my children seeing them as toddlers again, wishing I could go back. I know time has marched on, and so my children have grown and will continue to do so. My boys will leave childhood behind them and become men one day. This is my greatest hope: To see Joshua and Micah become men, strong and true. Yet I long to return to their nursery when they were both small and cancer had yet to touch our lives. Ah yes, yes my dear ones I fear death and yet I embrace it. I simply do not want to leave their lives too early. I know this may just be another speed bump, nothing more than a hiccup. We may be dancing in the streets come tomorrow with joy and a clean bill of health. Yet, this stillness, the very same I have felt before, is lingering as I continue to wait.
So here I am... back to the waiting. The days, hours and minutes passing me by seem to drag on. Ah this waiting, it can steer me in the wrong direction if I let it do so. On the other hand the waiting can reawaken my senses, call me back, scold me for not seizing every moment I have been given.
So I wait. I will wait for what else can I do? I will seize this moment, cherish my family, my boys and hold them close, kiss their foreheads and hold their hands. I will cradle them in my arms and pray for another day. In truth, are we all not hopeful for the very same? As we wait together may we all hold those we love closer to our hearts. May you know, each and everyone, I hold you close...