Saturday, April 11, 2009
I have been pondering whether to write a new entry for Easter or not this week. I have not been at my best and so I have wondered what I could bring to the table and offer this week. I have just not been myself, as I have been struggling with a few physical issues. I can say truthfully my heart has been sentimental and my spirit tired as well. I have needed the rest physically, emotionally and spiritually.
As I look back over my journal I can see there are many weeks when I can write and write but then I just seem to disappear,and hide a way for a little while. The truth is sometimes I need time to be quiet, for my soul to rest and to find my inner strength once again. Once I have done that I can sit down at my keyboard, write from my heart and let my spirit run free.
So this week has been" one of those" for me, especially as I look back on where I have traveled from to where I stand now. In the last three years I have walked in the footsteps of many great women before me. I am thankful for all they have taught me in their own journeys while I have still made this path my own.
Easter three years ago I had just lost my hair, though it would be another two months before I lost my brows and lashes. I remember wearing a wig on Easter Sunday, only one of a few times I ever did so. I chose a beautiful red one, so far from my own color. I look back now and I was still confused. I wanted so much to make sense of what was happening in my world. I was facing another 7 of chemo treatments ahead of me. I was scared, concerned and still trying to find my own footing. I remember my children running around the fountain at our church and watching them just be children. I was hurt my condition was dampening their day, but I also knew I was loved, needed and nothing could remove those sweet blessing from my life... nothing.
I was not well, the chemo along with my diabetes has already been taking a toll on my body. I didn't make it through our holiday meal, but the one thing I did do was I clung to the hope of new day. I did not know what the next day would bring, but I knew I would find a brighter dawn if I let my soul be still. I took refuge in my faith, in my God and in my family. I just needed to hold them a bit closer. I needed to surround myself in their unconditional love and simply to be quiet.
I'm not saying I didn't feel the pain because I most certainly did. I felt the pain of Hurricane Christina hit full force but I did not let it topple me. What I was given that Easter was the ability to focus on all the blessing I had. I began writing that very week. I starting digging deep within my own soul and pulling out everything toxic I could. I allowed my writing to purge my soul of all the fear and the pain, then I left it there and walked away.
As I followed the path before me I took a good many detours and made some wrong turns but my writing was like a northern star. By pouring out my fears and hopes, by sharing the beauty and the pain of the journey, I found peace. My broken road was blessed you could say, because a whole new path was revealed to me . I came to know many new and beautiful souls, just as I became closer with my own family and friends.
So now as I sit down and write this entry I pause to thank God for His grace and for the stillness He allows to pass over my spirit. My heart is not always ready to allow the Masters hand to mold my life in the moment or to accept the answers He offers. But I know deep down I am a child of God, a daughter of Heaven. I have been called by name and ransomed by his grace from the beasts claws. Does it mean my path will be easy? No, not by a long shot! But what I know deep within my soul is I am wrapped in His grace and held within His own hope.
This was not my chosen path, but it is what I was given to carry. I am not always happy with where the road leads me but I do know the sun will rise in the morning. The Son has given me today and so as I look toward this Easter I still hold this gift of hope and grace within my soul. Times like these are not to be taken lightly, but the darkness does not have to be blinding nor does it need to break us.
So I come to the whole reason of today's entry and to why I hide myself away some times...
At the end of each day I have to ask myself if I am willing to press forward. Can I push through the pain and the weariness my body offers each and everyday? I know I don't talk often about the daily trails I face but the truth is my body is living in the after effects of chemo and cancer. There are days I long to sit down and write, to empty my heart out into an entry, yet my hands can not even open a door. I have times I sit here and cry as I type feeling as if each of my fingers are shattering. Yet I know once I am done, I actually feel better. No my pain hasn't gone away but I find when I am done I am filled once again with hope and grace.
If I am to beat this beast in all her menacing forms I can't allow her to steal my laughter. I must stand and fight even if I am to do so alone. We have been given a voice for a reason, for without it we can not stand against this beast flying above us. Our hands may be small but they are mighty once joined together. This is how I see our blogging community ... when one may need rest , another can pick up the sword and continue charging forward. At the end of the day, we are woven strongly together.
So this Easter, rejoice, celebrate and take refuge in the knowledge you are a part of a bigger family. Be still and let your spirit rest for tomorrow is a new day...