Friday, April 24, 2009
A Three Ring Circus
I loved circus day as a child. The sights, the sounds and yes even the cotton candy were all part of the experience. But truly for me it was the one day I felt I was home, among those who understood my oddly, yet unique spirit. Don't get me wrong, my family is where my home is, where my heart is. I have always been loved and cared for. I would not trade my life for any other but as a child I always felt a bit out of place. I was different from the other kids and so circus day was a kind of homecoming for me. I was under the big top, with diverse, beautiful, and sometimes odd people. I would laugh, hold my breath and long to travel the world with this beautifully woven and threaded family.
Yes, as a little girl I always wanted to run away and join the circus. I sure was an imaginative little thing for sure. I was always running around with my imaginary friends, balancing on pretend wires, dancing in and out of hoops. Just the thought of circus life was absolutely thrilling. The lights and bright colors all seemed beautifully strange and wonderful to me.
Yes as a child there were moments when I felt I had been swept away from a life of adventure and needed to return to the life I was born to lead. I would dress up and put on my own shows for my stuffed animals, imaginary friends and my parents. Oh how I longed to wear one of those beautiful sparkly outfits! You know the ones, a bit scarce, full of beads and feathers? I would watch in awe as the women walked the tight ropes, the clowns bounced around full of wacky tactics and wish I could join them in the three ring circus show below.
I guess I always saw myself as a daring gypsy of sorts, wild, beautiful and free. I was never a tame spirit, not even as child and neither were my dreams. I longed to explore, to roam and to be a woman of my own making. I saw life through a different set of rose colored glasses than everyone else did. To be honest to this day many would say I am definitely a different cup of tea all together. So I may not have literally joined the circus, but in my heart I was always apart of it. The adventures my dreams took me on, the places I went and the people I met! All of those things set the scene for my adult life when I could no longer retreat to the dreams of my childhood.
Little did I know my life would take on the persona of a real circus act on day. Can you just hear it now? " Here she is, Christina, the one boobed wonder!" Seriously, I never saw myself living life lop - sided with one boob and sharing it with all the world. But here I am, proud and loud! I have been through the highs and lows of life, most of us have. Life is truly a stage show, some would even call it a freak show of sorts. Sometimes we are the main event and sometimes we are the side show. Life is a balancing act, even if it is only for an audience of one. Things change, people change just as the circus acts do. Life supplies all the joys, the laughter, the pain, the tears and yes even the determination allowing the show to always go on.
True we all need those quiet moments just to ourselves away from all the hustle and bustle. The crowds and their noise, the ah's and the oh's, and the spilt popcorn can become overwhelming. So we retreat behind the scenes, pull the curtain closed, take a break and allow our minds, bodies and souls to rest. Yes we can still hear the crowds, all the sounds of the show going on around us, and in a sense we can hear our names being called back into the three ring circus. Once again we find ourselves longing to return to the outside world and to the one life we know is our own to live.
Life has not been easy, in fact it has been very tough from the time I can remember. One disease after the other has plagued my body. As I have grown from a child into a woman, I have felt myself long for the days of my innocent youth, but those days are gone. I am now a woman, a wife, a mother and it is my responsibility to step up to the line, get on board the train and lead by example. Life under the big top is not as easy as one, two, three. Once the train has stopped the real work begins. The set up can be grueling, almost unbearable. Glamorous? Sometimes. Hard work? Always. Circus life, just as life in the outside world is about sacrifice. Every part of the greatest show on earth is about sacrifice and determination. From the high wire acts, being shot out of a cannon and to the ring master, the three ring show requires loyalty and a love for all things diverse and difficult. Life is much the same, just as each show is unpredictable so are our lives with all it's twists and turns. Yes we may fall, no we do fail, but we never give up!
With all the hurdles I have faced in my life, despite the insults, and the failures, I have always returned to my roots. I have held true to who I really am. In fact many times I feel as if I have snuck aboard my old friend on this beautiful trusty old circus train. What a ride she has taken me on! We have been through many wonderful, some painful turns, many ups and downs, byways and exotic whistle stops together.