About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Different Cup of Tea

So the last few months haven't exactly been my cup of tea. They haven't been a walk in the park, a day at the beach or a night on the town but they have taught me a few things.

For starters I have seen the darkest part of my soul which isn't a pretty sight let me tell you. No one knows this better than I do, with the exception of my husband God love him. I have not been the easiest person to live with as of late while all this bedlam has been creeping to a boil.

To be honest we all have inner corridors within ourselves and winding, twisting tunnels throughout our souls where fear and uncertainty live. I know because I found myself lost in a few of the very same ones within my own soul this last week. Coming back from the brink of what some may call " Christina's Melt Down" I can say I feel a huge load off my shoulders. You would think living through breast cancer was enough ? Nope, I had to go one better and actually wait until it was over and survived the pink one eyed monster to fall apart! The nerve of me right?

So life isn't as predictable as we would like it to be. But you know what? It is so worth the ups and downs. I was reminded today that at some point you have to exit the ride. I have been circling this roller coaster holding on for dear life these last few months, buckled in, screaming through the loops and biting my teeth during the climb that I have forgotten to put on the breaks.

I have definitely learned during my stay here on "Nightmare on Christina's Street" the day is short, the night is long and at some point we all fall upon our knees. So I sit here tonight, after hours of restless tossing and turning, feeling relief. I spent all last night and into today painfully purging my soul of her darkness pulling every last drop of anguish, fear and worry up and out into my writing. No matter where I looked I saw the scary man with his big ugly grin coming for me. But you know what... I had to face him. I had to stand up against the boogie man and call his bluff. Oh sure I hit bottom all right but I had to do so in order to rise up again to the top.

So tomorrow morning will bring what it will. I am at peace no matter the outcome. I have no control over what will or will not be. What I do know is this: I am not alone. I am surrounded by those who call themselves friends, sisters, brothers, survivors, and family. I am strong in the love each of you have given me and I am determined to stay hope's course. I may have been beat up, bruised and just plain worn thin but I am still a survivor standing hand and hand with each of you.

As the song goes, "The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun! Just thinkin' about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs, and the sorrow 'til there's none!"

So here's to tomorrow and all she brings our way!

Christina

4 comments:

  1. I just want you to know that it's not the least bit uncommon to wait until things are done to fall apart. I was a good little trooper through nearly a year of treatment and then couldn't figure out how to move on. I wound up seeing a great therapist and starting my blog.

    There are occasionally still some long nights but they are fewer and further apart. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.

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  2. ..and know that no matter what happens, you will always Live!~kbear

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  3. That was a really good post ... I imagined myself going through my inner soul.

    Cancer is a tough journey.

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  4. It sounds as if you are living life on life's terms. It does have its ups and downs for sure. It is the aftermath of the near death experience that is sometimes the most frightening.

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