I was reminded about a week ago of just how unpredictable life can be. We are never fully ready for the storm, no matter how much we prepare or how hard we brace for the first wave. In the end all we can really do is sit back and pray for the best. Once we have checked our to do list off, prepared our homes, our lives and our families for the worst to come what can we do except huddle together, holding each other’s hands and close our eyes?
We can pray, we can believe in spite of the winds, the distance between us and the ground below, the chaos building up inside of us and the gunfire all around us that God has a plan. I have to say I have always had a way of asking God in my own are you kidding attitude kind of way what He was up to in my life, why this, why now and yes even why me? I have spent many days looking over my own plans, my escape route, and my emergency evacuation blueprints and simply shook my head wondering what was wrong with my way of doing things?
Why couldn’t life just turn out the way I dreamed, the way I wanted, the way I planed it to, why did it have to go awry in such an extreme way? Well the one thing I have come to realize is sometimes we are not meant to know the whys till years later. Sometimes taking a leap of faith is the best course of action, even if it does make sense. Granted the gap between here and there may very well be wide enough to make us cringe and back away! Believe me I have had confusion and disorder reign supreme in my life over the last 5 years! I can’t tell you how many times the turbulent rain and winds from the raging storm just outside my door has blow through my windows leaving my life in disarray, a complete mess in need a bull dozer to clean up the turmoil left behind.
I have muddled and rummaged through what was left of my life, scrambled to save the shambles, tried to piece back together the disorder and turn down the racket of cancer’s havoc. I am telling you with un-abandoned certainty cancer has kicked my butt more times than I can shake a stick at. Seriously take a look around at my life, I have lost a breast, I have more scars than I want to acknowledge, bold and ugly from side to side, top to bottom all from cuts, deep and brutal. I have a disfigured body in a perfectly perfect image kind of world. Where having an immaculate body, impeccable; unblemished, uninjured; scathless, intact practically super human perfect body is the driving appetite, thirst and aspiration so many of us diet, starve and push our bodies to become. I would say sadly, but the truth is I am not disgruntled about my less then perfect body anymore. I may not always find myself attractive, beautiful or the image of how my dream life should have turned out but I am comfortable in the skin I am in!
So what happened to my glass of red wine, strawberry eating, nice romantic life filled with dancing by candle light? Where did my once young, beautiful, two breasted chest go? I’ll tell you where, out the door into the war zone I was dropped into with the hurricane strength winds that blew through my life 5 years ago leaving a path of destruction, areas of major devastation in need of a disaster relief area plan! If you ask me I will tell you at times I am convinced I am trapped inside a movie life scenario watching everything I am, everything I once longed to be tipped upside down, shaken till my pockets were completely emptied and swept out to sea by cancer’s chaos. So as I begin readying myself for the next battle, for the new storm surge on the horizon I am reminded of God’s plan for my life. A plan I fought many times, yet found refuge in. I am not fearless in the face of this beast and her constantly reaching claws, but I am brave in the faith I hold inside my heart.
Next week I will undergo my 11th surgery within the last 5 years. Why, well I have recently suffered a few complications. Now don’t worry too much I am still in remission, but my body has undergone so much while fighting this beast, weathering her storm over and over again that it has just buckled under the stress a bit. We all have battle wounds, no matter how big or small they are and mine have come calling. If I told you I was undauntedly fearless I would be lying to you because I am apprehensive, but as any good soldier knows you still have to press on. My dad has always said there are no promises in combat and so I understand that each and every time I go into battle, ready myself for conflict with this beast I am not guaranteed anything! What I do know is I have a plan, not my plan, but God’s on my side. No matter what comes tomorrow when the new day begins, when the sun shines once again I will still be in God’s hands, under His watchful eyes and within His perfect design. He knows tomorrow‘s forecast, He knows if the battle plan will be victorious so for today I will prepare, bracing for the storm ahead and gather with my family knowing we have done everything possible to prepare for the mission ahead. All I have left to do now is rest in His grace and wait for the Jumpmaster to say, “Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door “...