About Me...

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In a nut shell : I'm a wife, a full time working mom, a teacher, a Star Wars geek, comic book nerd, Disney enthusiast, hockey Mom, a decade long breast cancer survivor, and oh let's not forget such a happy, sassy, southern mess!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Becoming Captivating ( In a Fake World)

I am about to get real, to lay it all out on the table ladies. Men, this is not to count you out, because truthfully this affects you as well, but just be warned I am about to talk bluntly to the ladies about our obsession with perfection. What brought on this sudden need to explore our fears, and how we as women see ourselves? Well, lately I have been struggling with my own body image. The truth is even though I always get over this hurdle, it still comes back around like some sneaky sly ninja desperately trying to catch me off guard me when I least expect it. Sharing the picture above is not my idea of a walk in the park on a sunny day, to be clear I am kinda nervous showing off the “real” Christina for the entire world to judge and critic. The reality is my flaws and all picture is the “me” most never see and who I really am under the makeup. So if I am going to be completely honest I have to admit I really hate my body and the way I look, but if I am going to be transparent I also have to say I am well aware I view myself through some pretty foggy glasses as well.

My weight goes up and my weight goes down, my nails spend most of the month unpainted, my hair has good days and then some massively bad ones too, I get tired of T-shirts and jeans and my boobs, well let’s just say they aren’t exactly what I hoped for in life but the one thing I can say is tiny about my very imperfect self is this: my feet. Yep I wear a size 6 1/2 so like everything else in life God has a sense of humor. I may not be tiny all around, but my feet certainly are!

Seriously, as women we are constantly accosted by the media's ideal woman. It’s downright overwhelming to be a woman today in our bright new world! I bet back in Marilyn’s day those skinny women of today would have felt just as bad about themselves as most of us over the size of 5 feel today. We are constantly comparing ourselves not only to Hollywood, but to other women around us, never feeling good about who we are and without a doubt less than perfect at any given moment on any given day. The problem with society's version of beautiful is it is never what it really seems. The real deal goes something like this: once you remove the outer layer of makeup, peel back the fake nails, pull out those hair extensions, scrub off the spray tan, put away the tummy tuckers and drop the fancy clothing you have a normal woman, imperfect yes, yet extremely real and very beautiful in every way. It’s all in how we see ourselves. We always want to be more than we are because we always feel less than we should.

As strong as I may seem I fall into this pit at least 5 out of 7 days a week. You would think I should be comfortable with my misshapen, scared up and truly the world’s eye of un-attractive breasts. The truth is as comfortable as I am in my own skin, I still catch myself taking a deep breath, gulping and cringing at the sight of my imperfect boobs staring back at me on the mirror mirror on the wall with a haha, wicked laugh, got ya kind of moment. And don’t even get me started on my weight, my hair and my wardrobe or we may be here all day.Seriously what is it that makes women feel so ugly, disgusting, grotesque, hideous, homely, offensive, plain, repulsive, ugly, and unattractive?  These are all pretty awful ways to see ourselves don’t you think? So why do we swallow the lie Hollywood hand feeds us, brain washing us we are unattractive and unbecoming all because we are not skinny, or we don’t have hair extensions, fake tans or designer clothing? I for one am tired of feeling this way about myself. Even People magazine has gotten in on the natural band wagon, and why? Because women are seriously under attack and society needs to swing back to reality. The great beauties of the past were never tooth pick thin, Marilyn was a size 14 folks! Hum hello not a size 2, it’s seriously time to get real and own up to the fact we are obsessed with an imperfect ideal woman that we are literally killing ourselves to become. Now let me make this clear, this doesn’t mean being thin is unattractive, what I am trying to say is we are all beautiful, no matter what size we come in. I’m tired and worn out trying to be someone I can’t be. It’s downright exhausting!

I want to be able to look in the mirror or at a magazine, heck I would love to watch a movie with my family without battling with my mind and heart over my imperfections! It’s a warped world we live in when we have to feel so insecure with the beauty God has perfected in us. True we may not all be drop dead gorgeous but we are all beautiful, we are all alluring ( don’t choke, it’s the truth ladies), we dazzle, delight, and radiate the work of God every day, and we need to own it for the truth it is! I am so over feeling less than a woman because I am not a size 5 or because my breast was whacked off when breast cancer tried to steal my life from me. I am a survivor and these scars; they are reminders of the battle I have been fighting. They may not be breathtaking to the world, but you can bet your bottom dollar they are awe-inspiring to me, they are not dreadful to my husband, nope these scars stretched out across my chest are magnificent reminders of the deep love we share and the butt kicking beat down we gave breast cancer!

 It’s not the end of the world just because I don’t have ruby red lipstick painted across my lips! I am not dreadful, horrifying, awful, or daunting because I can’t live up to the Kardashian’s picture perfect image of a beautiful woman. I am not a fashion disaster because I choose not to break my neck in stiletto heels. Sure, we may not all be dainty but we are stunning! I am not ashamed to admit I am not fragile but I am delicate and all the negative influence on who and what I should be effects who and what I am on a daily basis! I don’t want to be 40 years old, still struggling to find myself, to accept my husband loves me for the graceful, breathtaking, stunning ( Oh man it’s killing me to say these things about myself), lovely ( ouch, never like to think this of myself), amusing, captivating and enchanting woman I truly am. I don’t know about you but speaking those words out loud was just about as painful for me  as banging my thumb with a hammer. Yet the truth is we have been wondrously created, we are beautiful, and we are precious, soft, fascinating (with or without a blond wig, trench coat, sunglasses and black boots on)  whether or not we have Hollywood’s goods or not, we are woman, captivating, bewitching and perfect in all our imperfections.

I am ready to make a resolution, to live by it even though I know I am not perfect. I am fairly certain I'm gonna have some really bad days, maybe even weeks, but I want to work hard at striving to overcome my own self –confidence mutilating ways reaching for courage so I can thrive as a woman, a mother and a wife. I can’t speak for all women but I know deep down inside of my own self-doubt I long to resolve this conflict inside my heart. I absolutely need to take back the fight. We need to be free ladies to be who we really are, to accept perfection is indeed the enemy, we are rare, precious, beautiful, individual, and amazing gems just waiting to be displayed, not hidden behind a fake facade of  artificial beauty. The phony, shameful and really fraudulent description of a women’s beauty in the media is honestly a betrayal of the worst kind ladies and until we can see it for what it is and reject it, we will continue to raise daughters who starve themselves to death.

Personally I am ready, even though I know that super; skinny, sneaky sly ninja is out there somewhere just waiting to take me down, smack me over the head and pin me to the ground when I am at my weakest point. Bruised, battered, you bet but strong and ready for the smack down if need be. I am choosing today to get off this crazy tilt-a-whirl and put my feet on solid ground. I’m going to let God tether out His place in my life, to speak to the beauty He has already placed inside my heart and let His love in my inner beauty shine through. Hollywood, you can take a walk into the painted sunset of props and stages for all I care; go on take a leap off  the fake cliff ahead or jump onto the speeding train on the way out of Dodge with all your artificial beauty and chaos. I have my ticket on the captivating express and while this is almost painful to admit or say out loud: I am beautiful, flaws and all, weight on or off, hair up, down, messy or curled, heck I am lovely and breathtaking with or without breasts. Right here, right now let’s decided ladies we are both captivating and beautiful and our beauty is brighter than the sun every day!


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