Thursday, May 17, 2012
Zombie Mommy ( When Good Moms Go Bad)
Do you ever have those days when you wake up, your feet hit the floor, and you feel just slightly off kilter? Kinda like one of those digestive ads where everyone is walking sideways, you know the days I am talking about, unbalanced, unproductive and fierce. I sometimes feel the world is beating my door down, mad skills and all that, picking the lock, barreling down, maybe even right through not just the front door, but my bedroom door. Seriously, who let Atlas and the weight of the world in the house? Not sure who was watching the front door, but come on, folks, Atlas? I don't know about you but those are the days I know I am done for even before I get out of bed.
The disorderly house, the household needs shooting at us from speeding trains whizzing by, the bills, the kids, the husband, the dog, it can all be very overwhelming. I may only be speaking for myself here but I am just about as human as they come, even if my family thinks I am some kind of super hero. The truth may be painful, but I am not wonder woman with a cape and golden crown on my head, able to save the day with my powerful lasso. Honestly since I am not the proud owner of x-ray vision, super strength or the ability to be in 2 or 3 places at the same time, I often fall flat on my bum so many more days than I'd really like to admit here.
Those kinds of days are miserable, let's just be honest. They pull at our heels, claw at our energy; drag us down into a pit of self-pity and denial, our desperate pleas for help, which frankly seem to go mostly unheard don't they, seem useless. These are personally my mood swing days, my run for the hills, hunker down, Katie bar the door, when mommies go bad, scream and hit the gas because mom has been turned into a zombie kind of days. These days are full of disorder to be honest, those never ending mixed up days I have to make myself reach really, really deep for a song, pulling back the curtains of my own discontent, and pushing aside the clutter and the muddle in my own life just so I can get out of bed. I kid you not, I just want to slam Atlas back through the same door he bullied his way past during my pandemonium mornings of topsy-turvi-ness and slam it shut in his face, singing to the smurfs la la la la la la tune, don't let the door hit you on the way out! How’s that for hospitality? Not my prouder moments, but it's about as real as it gets right now.
As women, we tend to hold on to the turmoil circulating around our lives right up until the moment we just can't bare it any longer. The kettle starts to steam and then the whistle goes off and then our handle on the situation is completely lost. I know for myself, I stay calm, taking each blow on my chin until I finally lose my wits and the calm, harmonious Christina flies out the window. Actually my kids would probably say once the situation has become chaotic I go off like a cannon, as they all run from the fireball splitting and speeding in several different directions. Basically life isn't simple, as moms, wives, heck especially after you have been battling the breast cancer beast for a few years life gets really complicated. Many times we are trying so hard to keep it all together, for everyone around us, we end up completely falling apart ourselves. The disarray of waking up to the same mess you picked up yesterday and the day before, and the day before that one, on top of seeing Atlas standing in your bedroom, in fact over your bed asking you to hold up the world for him can be just a little too much! And so we tend to rummage through our days, responding to those difficult, jumbled up situations as if we are in some unending labyrinth with no outlet leaving us dazed and confused.
I can tell you Atlas and his "I've got the World on my shoulders" is no match for Zombie Mommy! My hodgepodge brain, my crisis zone and disaster area during these kinds of days probably seem like an endless area of devastation, desolation, disaster relief area, that is when I swing from crazy Zombie to compassionate nurse all in one breath. I can bet my husband runs out the door on those particular mornings feeling as if he is evacuating an earthquake zone, emergency area, flood zone, utter havoc, serious hot spot, fleeing a path of destruction, as far away as he can from the storm center and war zone erupting in front of him!
Yes, I am admitting I fall into the deep end of the ocean on a daily basis, falling off my rocker and into the commotion, the mayhem, the static, turbulence, turmoil, unrest, unruliness, uproar, havoc and unholy mess of who I become on a BAD DAY! I really hate those days. I don't really like myself too much either when Zombie Mommy emerges. I see the bad days coming, but I am flesh and blood, not a super human. The bottom line is: I am helpless to keep BAD days at bay forever. Sure I could just pull the covers back over my head, I could close my eyes and pretend Atlas hasn't been allowed into my personal, private, and most intimate places but I am human after all, and truthfully as my feet hit the ground so my resolve tends to fade as well. I really don't want to fall apart, or become calamity Jain, but there are just those times my wonder woman mask falls off and troubles and disruption have no choice but to follow me from room to room, out the door and back home again. I seriously become a black hole of sorts I guess, pandemonium in motion, feeling as if our home has been turned into a madhouse, in shambles, and I am in an uproar, like some infected toxic zombie plundering through the day.
But I am an optimist, so I do believe there is always hope, even if it's a tiny spec wedged somewhere between hopeless and helpless. True once Zombie Mommy has come forth from the depths of annihilation, ravishing and ravaging everyone and everything in my path I usually end up acquiring a death grip on my zombie mommy vial of destruction. Ok let's get real; those kinds of days are the ones my hopes and dreams for a perfect life in a very imperfect world epically fail. But you know why they fall apart, well because no one has a perfect life. We all screw up, straddle the fence, make decisions too late, say the wrong thing, forget important dates, and when Atlas shows up full of himself, looking for a stand in we lose it. I am going to be really honest here: I don't just bounce back, I can be very unhappy, and I can stand with my hands crossed, pouting, complaining my life is not wonderful, shouting for the whole world to hear "no let's not all dance around the summer may pole". Perfect, nope, far, far from it in fact. I am as human as we come, a sinner saved by grace, imperfect in every way. So when Atlas shows up looking for a replacement I tend to freak out! I will cry, rebel until my heart sees the light at the end of the tunnel, putting everything on the table, dirty little secrets and all. I am personally one to have to work through my lawless mess, to have to finally hand over my self- made mess to my Father, in order to let the toxic zombie virus overtaking my just another day in paradise life find a way out of my system. In the middle of my anti- Atlas tizzy I desperately want, no need to grab hold of my inner joy hidden deep underneath my lopsided bed, somewhere between the dust bunnies, no let's be honest the wreckage, of utter confusion and pure bedlam rioting inside my mind on my worst of the worst BAD days!
So when this good mom goes bad, what do I do? Well, I try to find my lull but does patience always find me quickly, does peace of mind, quiet, rest, restraint, serenity, silence, stillness, and tranquility suddenly take hold of my bad day just because I recognize I am having a bad day, no. I tend to have to push Atlas aside and go looking for myself out there somewhere when the truth is I really need to just speak softly to the situation, call the SSBG Center (Sinner Saved by Grace) in to allow my Father in Heaven to truly be the Lord of me. Somewhere between who I really am and this Zombie Mommy there is hope. My loftiness is the not the answer, I have to remind myself how truly blessed I am, how loved I am , how un-lost I am and acknowledge this grace He offers me is just waiting for my heart to reach out in spite of my self-pity. Sure I may feel worthless, utterly lost, like some kind of monster on the loose, but despite my total train wreck of a Zombie mess, I'm not passed by, God's mercy is mine. He alone validates my life even when I am totally sure I have lost my ticket.
When the ZMV attacks, and believe me it will again, my Lord is still loving me and even when those BAD days come, terrorizing my life, with their reign of terror hitting the full throttle peddle into my life I am learning to stop and wash myself in His grace. Nope, it's never easy and I don't always succeed but I am trying to take a deep breath, look Atlas and all his demands in the eyes and smile knowing God’s got this, He alone steadies me when I can’t stand on my own. It's those moments I can confess to myself I am not wonder woman. I am simply me, imperfect, yes strong, but not necessarily mighty, maybe a little courageous, but not without fear, fragile but not weak, a beautiful woman yes, who on bad days has a Zombie Mommy hidden somewhere inside her ,ready to attack if not kept in check and you know what, I am ok with that.