Ever heard the old saying something wicked this way comes? Ominous sounding isn’t it? Cancer can be summed up in those five words. It’s a nasty, harsh, foul, troublesome, wicked and very formidable enemy. The big C is an uncertain opponent, not only fighting but destroying our bodies from within. She’s not always selective in her process; still she seems to target those she chooses with precision. Cancer is downright irksome and annoying as much as she’s devastating, calamitous and catastrophic in her nature. Cancer comes in many forms, with different names, faces and countless masks yet despite her disguises; she is a dishonorable, malicious and completely disagreeable adversary.
My life has been more than just touched by cancer, it’s been clawed at, torn completely open, eaten from the inside out and slashed casually leaving scars all over my chest. What cancer has not done is take away my joy, my hope, my faith and my spirit for living. I am not cancer’s victim, I am her equal. She may try to strong-arm me, hit me with a left hook, enforce power, influence and even dominance over my life but the truth is cancer has no control over me. Why, well that’s because my Maker has designed my life according to His plans. Cancer with all her wickedness is only part of me, not all of me. She has no control over me. I am resilient, and my backbone can’t be broken because she tries to muscle her way back into the picture.
Life Lesson #22, Cancer is a pain in the butt! She’s evil, a blight, nothing if not persistent and a poisonous scourge but she doesn’t and will never define me.
The true reality of who cancer is and all her ploys to lead us down a dark and messy road can be overwhelming. Cancer comes to steal and destroy, but the truth is she only has the power we give her. The facts can’t be denied she certainly directs our bodies physically, but she can only take from us emotionally, mentally and spiritually what we hand over to her on the battlefield. What I know about myself is cancer does not define me; I am only defined by the choices I make. Who I am is not what cancer has done to me but what I have chosen to become in spite of her death wish on my life. This is who I am: A sinner saved by grace, a woman who’s madly in love with her husband, a mom to two amazing , crazy and funny young men, the daughter of truly loving and wonderful parents, a published author, a blogger, a Disney enthusiast, a fly by the seat of my pants cook and yes a breast cancer survivor. I am more than the cancer inside of me; I am a daughter of a King!
Cancer and all her fear mongering is once again dancing around trying to lure me into defeat and worry. I spoke about the unexpected in my last post. Today I’m going to share a little of what’s been going on behind the scenes of my very dull and boring life. First I want to say this; God is good all the time. I believe this with all my heart and soul because it is in those parts of me I hold steadfast to courage. The truth is February hasn’t been a good month for me in years. In February 2006 she took my breast and was the barer of the news cancer had spread into my lymph nodes meaning six months of chemo. Yay me! The following February I learned I needed a complete hysterectomy, even more fun right. Life settled down for a bit even though a few February's have been chaotic in the in-between years since those particular back to back February wins. That is until last year when 2014 rang in with a few more blows only this time it was not medical, it was emotional. I guess February wasn’t finished with me just yet anyway because with 2015, the pattern is definitely back on track again. February is just NOT my month! Is anyone up for boycotting February 2016 with me?
So in with keeping with February and her distinct pattern, this year proved to be just as unsettling. Just two weeks ago, in this very lovable month I went in for a very routine doctor’s visit and came out in shock. There I was staring cancer in the face yet again. Not the same cancer, a blessing in itself. but a new beast with a different head. Can you say I was not thrilled, nor did I expect this news all these years later? I had done my tour into the darkness of cancers sadism already, why did she feel the need to double back my direction? Since then I have been sent down a few rabbit holes which includes very diverse opinions but all coming to one conclusion: my lymph nodes need to be biopsied. What is clear is this: I do not have thyroid cancer which is absolutely good news. The second part of the good news is one of the three doctors feels the findings will be benign. The uncertainty lies in the fact there is something sitting in my lymph nodes which has alarmed two of the three doctors. I kind of thought after my doctor’s visit last week I was sitting pretty, clear of any worry. I even thought about sitting the biopsy out BUT then I received another call from another doctor this week. I knew there was no hiding at that point nor could I evade the issue at hand. So I am going in for an ultrasound guided biopsy of the lymph nodes in my neck. What will be, will be. I have no control over the findings. I do however have control of my perspective, the stance I take and the attitude and tone I allow myself to align with if everything goes sideways.
What I know above everything else is cancer is not my story; it’s just a byline in my overall narrative. If she comes back for more of me, I’ll simply keep fighting. I trust the process, I have faith in the One who created my life, and even in suffering He is faithful. I am nothing without my belief in God. This too shall pass. If it’s a fight the Big C wants, I’ll be ready. Life is more than the battles or the hardships we incur. Life is about living in the moment’s which surround us. Living, especially out loud, is exactly what I plan to do! Besides, I’ve learned to just yell “ plot twist” when life hands out unexpected detours. After all, we're all diamonds, cancer can't break us!