“To be honest, I’m just winging it. You know…life, motherhood, my eyeliner, pretty much everything.”
Yep that’s the truth of it isn’t it? And honestly it's pretty much life in a nut shell. I don’t know about you but I failed to get my hands on a how to book when I entered this world some 43 years ago. And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to find one anytime soon either. So yes, I’m winging it. Seriously, have you ever had one of those days when you just walk in the door, drop your purse on the table, pull up a chair, sit down and just say, ‘huh’? Yep those days seem a little too familiar as of late. Not that anything is wrong exactly; nothing is bad or not going well. Everything is peachy keen so to speak, it’s just I have this ache I can’t squash.
I’ve literally been waking up, and winging life. Not that it’s a bad thing mind you. I’m pretty much a fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl anyway. But sometimes you’ve got to ground yourself. Lately, that hasn’t been as easy for me. For a few weeks I was dragging myself out of bed in the morning honesty. I was fighting headaches, feeling tired, holding back tears and questioning myself. Maybe I’d gone beyond winging it, to just coasting on zero fuel. I mean taking a quick inventory of the last four years the truth is I’ve probably lost myself in more ways than one. I think the root of the problem is I haven’t fully given myself over to the losses from deaths, estrangements, broken friendships and relationships. It doesn’t really matter what the reasons are. Whether the root is disagreements, betrayal to of course the near collapse of my marriage, the grief is still underlying. And yes, though the truth is my husband does hold some responsibility in my state of affairs there is more under the surface than just our issues alone. This is the thing, rejection and loss; both hurt even if you play it off or know it’s for the best. Losing anyone be it death or circumstance is devastating period. And anyone who says it’s not needs a reality check.
I guess I was just trying so hard to keep everything together. Just winging it with a brave face right? I’ve been going and going, not really taking the time to hit the pause button. So much so I hadn't actually faced the pain. Now I know part of it has been my grief over our sweet doggies passing. I had no idea his loss would affect me so much but it has. Maybe in many ways Oscar’s loss forced me to accept and recognize my own heartaches, vulnerabilities and yes my own internal, personal mourning. Personally speaking I’m not even sure if I have fully grieved any of those losses to be honest. Sure I have faced the outcomes and the hurt but not necessary the grief those individual losses caused. Honestly I’ve more than likely bottled it all up, acknowledging the reasons, the logic, accepting the consequences and the end results but not dealing with the actual grief.
What I’ve learned in all of this winging it stuff is this, “Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” I think Vicki Harrison is much wiser than I could dare dream to be. The reality, like so many folks is this: I’ve been hurt, betrayed deeply on so many levels my head hurts. I know for myself personally I have to admit anger has taken my hand a few times. And I know it hasn’t left a pretty picture behind either. In the last four years I’ve overcome being pushed away, pushed out, betrayed, a coup and yes even a near hostile takeover of my own life. Considering, I’m not doing too bad. For whatever reason, life gets hijacked. People just don't want part of the pie, they want all of it. And sadly in the process we end up losing everything we’d hoped to gain. Friends and loved ones with all their good intentions get all mixed up in the kaleidoscope. Nothing in the process makes any sense but we still respond and react indifferently and intently without thought of the consequences. My story, well it’s a dozy and not one I’m willing to tell just yet. But I can say it hasn’t been easy. In fact it has been horribly difficult. Many times I haven’t even been sure I’d recover myself much less those relationships in question. Truthfully, many of those distinct friendships, those particular relationships and loved ones I once had haven't been recovered. They can’t be recovered at this point. But I can say this, by God’s grace many of the relationships that were torn a part have finally been rebuilt, coming full circle. Some have made the journey through forgiveness and into restoration with me while others have simply gone their own way. And while probably for the best, I still feel the loss just the same.
Life Lesson # 94 ~ Winging it, well I might be that’s for sure. Looking at my eyeliner and the mess in my kitchen today, I’d say it’s a safe bet. But the truth is I’m also learning to let go, a little at a time. Isaiah 43:18-19 says this, “Forget what happened in the past, and do not dwell on events from long ago. I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don’t you recognize it?” Yes, Lord I do recognize it and I’m ready. My saving grace honestly has not just been in my grief but in the act of actually facing grief’s handiwork. And yes, while pain has been a side effect of being forced to acknowledge and release my grief it has also has proved rewarding. It’s a day by day process, a step by step kind of thing believe me. Some days I take three steps forward only to take two steps backwards the following day. Ultimately time will heal my hurt and ease my grief. Everyday brings me one step closer. What I know is this, “Grief never ends…But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, not a lack of faith…It is the price of love.” And if that is true, then my heart has not only grieved, but it has loved greatly.